IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some argue younger people are not suitable for important positions in the government, while others think this is a good idea. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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In
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 current century, the government
became
Wrong verb form
has become

It appears that your sentence or clause uses an incorrect form of the verb became. Consider changing it.

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 a diverse field where the younger population started occupying important status.
While
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 some think that these positions are not suitable for the youth, others argue that, oppositely, it is a good idea. I personally agree with the first idea, and I am going to discuss these two views and elaborate on my own perspectives in the following paragraphs. On one hand, it might be thought that
age
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

 is a crucial factor that influences the ability to direct important tasks. What supports
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 belief is the fact that the older population have more experience in the working field,
therefore
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 is able to occupy higher positions in the government. They
also
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 have lived longer within the society and have had the chance to deeply know its problems and needs. Currently in my country,
for example
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, the authority is mostly occupied by the elderly
that
Correct pronoun usage
who

It seems that there is a pronoun problem here.

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 have worked before in multiple fields as citizens, and once they got to
the
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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important positions, they did a great job understanding the community.
On the other hand
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, other people think that
age
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

 might not define one person's competencies because many young adults have achieved noticeable accomplishments at an early
age
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

. They can get involved in politics since college as well, making them more experienced by the time they graduate.
Also
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, youth represents a large portion of citizens, and
therefore
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 they need an authority made of a community
approximately
Change preposition
of approximately

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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 the same
age
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

. To support
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 belief, a research study showed that young adults had more to offer to their countries, making
effort
Correct article usage
an effort

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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 to get in touch with their peers through social media and surveys to analyse the difficulties they face in their society. To summarize, I fully agree with the suggestion that youth should occupy important spots in the government
instead
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 of the older population because they are more in touch with the community and do a better job fixing its problems and needs.

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task achievement
Make sure each paragraph clearly supports the argument with logical reasoning and evidence. Adding more specific examples or evidence could strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure smoother transitions between paragraphs for better coherence. Use more cohesive devices to link ideas across sentences and paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
The introduction is clear and provides a good overview of the argument.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion reflects and summarizes the essay effectively, reinforcing the writer's position.
task achievement
The essay addresses both sides of the argument, fulfilling the task response requirements.
task achievement
The arguments are relatively clear and supported with reasonable examples.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • far-reaching consequences
  • life and professional experience
  • judicious policymaking
  • fresh perspectives
  • stagnant systems
  • progressive and inclusive policies
  • political acumen
  • ineffective governance
  • demographic
  • long-term planning
  • authoritative presence
  • manipulation
  • seasoned politicians
  • adaptable
  • open-minded
  • flexibility in problem-solving
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