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Band 5.5

Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#celebrities #glamour #wealth #achievements #sets #people
In recent years, many celebrities are famous because of
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 glamour and wealth rather than for their accomplishments. While I strongly agree with
this
 statement because of a negative example for teenagers
such
 as influence on children’s life and highly financed usage. Some celebrities' skills might be average even though they are rich and become young
people
’s idols.
Firstly
, influence on the children’s
life
Replace the word
lives
show examples
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the social media platform.
This
 is because famous
people
such
like
Change preposition
as
show examples
 actors, actresses, singers, models or sports stars take their picture and video,
put
Correct word choice
and put
show examples
 it on IG, Facebook and Twitter regularly, to create more fans. A good example would be Justin Biber, who is rich and famous in the world.
Everyday
Replace the word
Every day
show examples
 he posts where he goes, sometimes he attends parties, pubs or clubs and he has many tattoos on his body.
This
 message to young
people
 is that they want to be the same as their
idol
Fix the agreement mistake
idols
show examples
, and many young
people
 get a tattoo on their skin and become bad
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
.
Secondly
, highly financial usage is another reason why it is not good for teenagers. The famous
people
 promote many branded accessories for their job, so children want to buy or use and force their parents to buy
high quality
Add a hyphen
high-quality
show examples
 branded things.
For example
, HERA Company hired Jenny, who is a very famous Kpop group (BlackPink) member to advertise their latest makeup collection. She is pretty, slim, and
smooth
Add a missing verb
has smooth
show examples
 skin. And she takes makeup tutorials to use every brush or every shade and lipstick, young
people
 think
that is
 the only way one can look beautiful. The kind of highly paid celebrities have the ability to pay to get what they need,
therefore
 young children are not similar to famous
people
. Despite the possibility of children developing their talents, there are far more negative examples for the younger generation. I extremely agree
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
this
 because of the influence on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young
people
's life and
Add a hyphen
top-level
show examples
top level
Add a hyphen
top-level
show examples
 financial usage.
Submitted by tr.zarwaihnin on

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Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • glamour
  • wealth
  • achievements
  • portrayed
  • overshadow
  • influenced
  • lifestyles
  • unrealistic
  • expectations
  • values
  • promoting
  • hard work
  • perseverance
  • inspire
  • positive impact
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