IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Many children nowadays are spending more and more time inside rather than outside. Is this a positive or negative trend? Give reasons for your answer and include examples from your knowledge or experience

#children #time #trend
Some
sociality
Correct your spelling
socialists
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argues
Correct subject-verb agreement
argue
show examples
 that children may spend their time on indoor activities
instead
 of going out.
Therefore
,
this
 essay
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 discuss and explain the impact
why
Change preposition
of why
show examples
childhood
Replace the word
children
show examples
 should prefer outdoor exercise. One of the main reasons why juveniles might prefer to stay in their home rather than have an outdoor activity is
due to
 technological gadgets. They tend to play video games, chat with their classmate online
as well as
 watch
favourite
Correct pronoun usage
their favourite
show examples
 movies.
In
Change preposition
This
show examples
this
 situation,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
could impact their mental disorder in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 long term, especially
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
emotional
Replace the word
emotions
show examples
 and concentration, pessimistic, and
might
Verb problem
apply
show examples
slightly
Change the word
slight
show examples
 depression.
Additionally
, these lead to injurious social impacts
such
 as suicide or harmful influence causes.
Furthermore
, one another supports ideas that are lacking in building relationships with sociality,
for example
, family and friends.
Teenage
Correct your spelling
Teenagers
show examples
 who are using various times in the virtual world. It may have a problem in the future
due to
 lack of communication and trend
too
Replace the word
to
show examples
 has an anti-social behaviour.
Moreover
, some
report
Fix the agreement mistake
reports
show examples
 showed that the vast majority of
crime
Fix the agreement mistake
crimes
show examples
 committed by children
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 carried out by truants and bellicose
habit
Fix the agreement mistake
habits
show examples
. Having extrovert movement and
opening
Wrong verb form
an open
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
attitude might
be tackled
Wrong verb form
tackle
show examples
 problems.
As a result
, it is supporting the idea of why outdoor events are preferable.
Finally
, the previous paragraphs
are indicated
Wrong verb form
indicate
show examples
various reasons not to ignore a lonesome event.
To sum up
, I personally believe that having isolated action could be harmful to offspring. It is predicted that to continue in
this
 activity, it will
be faced
Wrong verb form
face
show examples
 various illnesses and psychological problems in the future.
Submitted by sirapat.sf1 on

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coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay needs improvement. Ensure that the content flows in a logical manner, with clear connections between ideas.
coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion. Make sure to include a strong introduction that outlines the main points and a conclusion that summarizes the key arguments.
task achievement
Work on providing more specific and detailed examples to support the main points. This will strengthen the overall argument and make it more convincing.

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