IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
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In recent years, it is common to see that many kids are obsessed with their digital devices and ignore their surroundings in
daily
Correct pronoun usage
their daily
show examples
 lives. The reason behind
this
Linking Words
 social phenomenon can be contributed to the lack of self-control of the
children
Use synonyms
, and it
undoubtedbly
Correct your spelling
undoubtedly
 is a negative development for
themselves
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them
show examples
. Smartphone
games
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 provide immediate satisfaction for
children
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 so that they will keep devoting
time
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 to the
games
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,
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apply
show examples
 until they feel tired. Unlike other tasks,
such
Linking Words
 as studies and
workout
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workouts
show examples
,
children
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 can receive the result immediately from the game.
For instance
Linking Words
, they can see the 'level-up' sign
popped
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pop
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 up after hours of game-playing.
Hence
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, they gain a sense of victory and
honor
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honour
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 from playing the game.
However
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, it takes
time
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 for them to obtain good grades at school or be in shape.
Also
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,
children
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 often have difficulty
to keep
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keeping
show examples
 themselves away from some bad habits, as they are not grown-up people and have not cultivated mature values in their minds.
Therefore
Linking Words
, once the
children
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 were allured by the e-
games
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 on phones, the majority of them will spend most of their spare
time
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 on
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 and neglect their studies and parents. It is
Correct your spelling
definitely
definitly
Correct your spelling
definitely
 a negative development
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
children
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.
First
Linking Words
 of all, when
children
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 spend too much
time
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on
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apply
show examples
playing mobile phone
games
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 and do not do their revision regularly, they will
then
Linking Words
 have inadequate
time
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 on studying and may have a poor academic
result
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results
show examples
 at school. Worse still, some of them may even sacrifice their sleeping
time
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 to complete the missions in
games
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. Having insufficient
time
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 for sleeping will
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significantly
siginificantly
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significantly
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affect
show examples
effect
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affect
show examples
 their daily activities,
such
Linking Words
 as paying attention in class.
Last
Linking Words
 but not the least,
Correct your spelling
children
chlidren
Correct your spelling
children
 will be more isolated from their social circles as they only concentrate on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
communication on the virtual internet, but not
the
Change the word
their
show examples
real-live
Correct your spelling
real-life
show examples
 friends and families. To
conculde
Correct your spelling
conclude
, it is worth noticing that the
children
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 cannot resist
from
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apply
show examples
immediate satisfaction brought by the
games
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 in smartphones and the overdose of playing smartphones will lead to a series of negative
impact
Fix the agreement mistake
impacts
show examples
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the
children
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, especially in the academic, personal and social aspects.
Submitted by kennyykh015 on

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Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
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