IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the numbers of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

#time #population #countries #adults #numbers #people #situation
As a saying goes, “Young men fight to
death
Add an article
the death
show examples
 for victory, but old men make dialogue for it,” each individual man is extraordinary in his own way regardless of age, gender or any other hindrance that society presumes
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 if he or she contributes to the benefits of the
country
 and the world. If so, when there are a relatively larger number of young adults than older
people
 in some countries, they have their advantages and disadvantages in their own ways for the sake of society and the world. Possessing the abundance of young adults in a
country
,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can foster the
country
’s GDP and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
human resources as the youth age has the energy and time. If the
country
 could apply those youths
into
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the course of educating and becoming a
better developed
Add a hyphen
better-developed
show examples
country
, it would be more useful than having too many older
people
 because in a
country
, if there are more older
people
 than young adults, they are more likely to spend the
country
’s productions without producing so that the
country
’s GDP will not progress. So, it’s important not only to preserve the number of young
people
 who exceed the older ones
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 to use them for a better cause.
However
, having the older ones in a family means a person who has
life long
Correct your spelling
lifelong
show examples
 experience which can’t be bought by money and is exquisite in
life
. So, the African saying goes
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
“If an old man dies, the whole library is buried with him.” It’s indeed true that older
people
 can
also
 attribute to other
people
 in some ways while younger ones are using their energies.
Moreover
, since the older
people
 had contributed to their societies their whole
life
, if it’s assumed that having many older
people
 is a disadvantage, it shouldn’t be to deprive them of the benefits that the old
people
 should consume in their old
life
.
Therefore
,
although
 the older
people
 still can contribute to the
country
, their output will not match the youngsters' when it comes to the
country
's development which needs the great amount of energy and workforce that younger
people
 can mainly produce.
Submitted by 2020khinetunnaing on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: