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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe what children watch on TV influences their behavior. Some say it is the amount of time watching television that influences their behavior. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Nowdays
Correct the word
Nowadays
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, it is becoming increasingly common that more people are likely to agree that the programs on
TV
Use synonyms
 would
Use synonyms
Correct your spelling
affect
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effect
Correct your spelling
affect
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to
Change preposition
apply
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their
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
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.
This
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 trend has caused some
controversial
Replace the word
controversy
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, about whether
others
Change noun form
others'
other's
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 support
for
Change preposition
apply
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the amount of
time
Use synonyms
 watching is
the reasons
Change to a genitive case
the effect of the reason
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effect
Use synonyms
to
Change preposition
apply
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children
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's
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
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. In my opinion, I believe it may give both
Use synonyms
effect
Change to a plural noun
effects
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 for some reasons.
First
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 of all, it is an indisputable fact that the opinion about
TV
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 shows able to
cause
Use synonyms
 how
children
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act
Fix the infinitive
to act
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 and think in many bad ways. It is a
persuade
Replace the word
persuasive
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 explanation,
for
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example
Add the comma(s)
,example
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many
Replace the quantifier
much
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 attention-grabbing
content
Change to a plural noun
contents
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such
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 as display of violence, nudity would
led
Change the verb form
lead
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 to
children
Use synonyms
's moral code if they parrot or mimic it. Particularly, whether
children
Use synonyms
not
Add a missing verb
are not
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approach
Wrong verb form
approached
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to
Change preposition
apply
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sex education in
right
Add an article
the right
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 way or
many
Correct word choice
if many
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 preteen
audience
Change to a plural noun
audiences
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not
Add a missing verb
are not
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 aware
the
Change preposition
of the
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threaten
Replace the word
threat
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 of
this
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 that will
cause
Use synonyms
to
Change preposition
apply
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their mental
health
Use synonyms
 or other illness if they have sexual abuse.
Moreover
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, its convenience is clearly seen that studies prove that a huge of people who rape
children
Use synonyms
 used to reckon wrongly
in
Change preposition
about
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 sex education and
Use synonyms
effect
Correct article usage
the effect
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in
Change preposition
of
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 watching porn movies
Change preposition
at in
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in
Correct your spelling
an
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 early age.
On the other hand
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,
this
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 constantly causes some drawbacks
such
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 as the amount of
time
Use synonyms
 they watched
also
Linking Words
cause
Use synonyms
 to their
children
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’s
healthy
Replace the word
health
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.
In particular
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, spending much
time
Use synonyms
for
Change preposition
on
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 screen
time
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that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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will create a sedentary lifestyle for
children
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. Whether
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
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teens act with reluctance to
perticipate
Correct your spelling
participate
 in physical activities that will
cause
Use synonyms
 bad for their
healthy
Replace the word
health
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.
For example
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, since the birth of
Add an article
the smartphone
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smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
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,
smart
Correct word choice
and smart
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TV
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 following that the increasing of users led to the rate
in
Change preposition
of
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 wearing
eyeclasses
Correct your spelling
eyeglasses
 raise tremendously. And nowadays, the major of people
wearing
Wrong verb form
wear
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 classes than who non-classes.
Beside
Replace the word
Besides
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 that, the amount of
time
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 approach
for
Change preposition
on
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TV
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 than
for
Change preposition
on
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 book
also
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cause
Use synonyms
 to have less awareness in young
children
Use synonyms
. A nation,
weakness
Change preposition
with weakness
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 in
heath
Correct your spelling
health
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 and
knowledges
Change the wording
knowledge
pieces of knowledge
bits of knowledge
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Linking Words
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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is a
weakness
Replace the word
weak
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 country. In conclusion, the content of
TV
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 programs
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
effect
Replace the word
effective
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to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
children
Use synonyms
's mental
health
Use synonyms
 while the
time
Use synonyms
 how much they watch
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
effect
Use synonyms
to
Change preposition
apply
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their physical
health
Use synonyms
. Both of
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
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brings
Correct subject-verb agreement
bring
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 many negative for us if
it
Add a verb
isit
wasit
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 over-traversing. In my opinion, I opine that the things what we watch more serious due to if we don’t have a
stregnth
Correct your spelling
strength
 spirit and a good
minset
Correct your spelling
mindset
 that it would make our
health
Use synonyms
 turn down dramatically.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • influence behavior
  • imitate actions
  • programming
  • empathy
  • aggressive behavior
  • antisocial behavior
  • excessive television watching
  • physical development
  • contributing to obesity
  • impact academic performance
  • monitoring the content
  • setting reasonable time limits
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