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Band 5

Young people who commit crimes should be treated in the same way as adults by authorities. To what extent do you agree or disagree? (2015.04.25)

Criminal problems of youngsters are important concerns of
society
Use synonyms
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 since the young generations are the future and hope of the nations. Some people think that juvenile delinquents should be treated in the same way as
adults
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 by authorities; I disagree with it. Admittedly,
government
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the government
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 should give punishments to young offenders. One reason is that they cause as much pain and suffering to their victims as adult offenders,
therefore
Linking Words
, they should be punished for breaking the law and allowing them to reflect
from
Change preposition
on
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 committing a crime in the prison.
Also
Linking Words
, their illegal activities would pose a threat to
society
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such
Linking Words
 as theft, robbing and murder. So, sending them to prison can protect the public from them, which would help to ensure social stability and security.
Furthermore
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, reforming young
criminals
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 can reduce the re-offending rate since they can develop useful skills during rehabilitation and prepare for employment in the future.
For instance
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, young
criminals
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 can find jobs and have stable sources of income after having vocational training courses held by governments.
However
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, it is not appropriate to treat young law-breakers in the same way as
adults
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 by governments.
Firstly
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, the youth are not mature to understand the consequences of their actions, which means that
the
Change the word
their
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 illegal action of them cannot fully constitute the requirements of crime
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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adapted
Correct your spelling
adopted
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 in
adults
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.
Additionally
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, it is easier for minor
criminals
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 to go astray by copying what they see and heard from adult prisoners since they would make friends with them and become more violent and dangerous.
This
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 would not only increase their possibility of re-offending but
also
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 pose threat to
safety
Add an article
the safety
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 of
society
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.
Furthermore
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, it is a more proper way if community services can be added
into
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the punishments for
criminals
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 in adolescence since it can help them to develop a sense of responsibility and become law-abiding citizens. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 juvenile delinquents should be given punishments since they pose a threat to
society
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 and cause much pain and suffering to their victims, I hold
that
Correct determiner usage
the
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 view that they should not
treated
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be treated
treat
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 as
adults
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 since they are immature and easily influenced by adult offenders.

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Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • juvenile delinquency
  • rehabilitation
  • recidivism
  • diminished responsibility
  • integrate into society
  • developmental stage
  • leniency
  • deterrence
  • punitive measures
  • reformative justice
  • age-appropriate interventions
  • rehabilitative approaches
  • criminal responsibility
  • sentencing disparity
  • youth offenders
  • crime deterrence
  • legal repercussions
  • cognitive development
  • judicial system
  • offense severity
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