IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

#time #population #countries #adults #people #situation
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Population plays a vital role in the country’s success. Nowadays, residents of
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
 countries have
comparatively
Add an article
a comparatively
show examples
 bigger
Use synonyms
number
Fix the agreement mistake
numbers
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 of young individuals than the
number
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
older
people
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss both advantages and disadvantages of
this
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 trend and
also
Linking Words
 elaborate,
why
Change preposition
on why
show examples
 the drawbacks of
this
Linking Words
 situation outweigh the
benefits
Use synonyms
.
Increase
Correct article usage
An increase
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 in
population
Correct article usage
the population
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 of the younger
people
Use synonyms
 is beneficial for the economy of the country. Young
adults
Use synonyms
 are more effective and efficient
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
compared to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
older
people
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, the young
adults
Use synonyms
 working in a factory can do all the heavy work whereas, the aged
people
Use synonyms
 find it difficult to do so. Another advantage of
Add an article
the rise
a rise
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rise
Change the verb form
rising
show examples
 in
Use synonyms
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of the young
adults
Use synonyms
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 can help to serve the country in many ways.
The young
Correct article usage
Young
show examples
adults
Use synonyms
 can serve in
military
Correct article usage
the military
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, police and air force.
For instance
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
older
people
Use synonyms
 can not fight wars. They are used to
do
Wrong verb form
doing
show examples
 light work
whereas
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young
adults
Use synonyms
 can be handy in all sorts of situations.
However
Linking Words
, though, these advantages pale in comparison to
benefits
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. Despite the
benefits
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, there are numerous disadvantages associated with
decrease
Add an article
a decrease
show examples
 in
population
Correct article usage
the population
show examples
 of aged persons.
Firstly
Linking Words
, experience comes with age. The older the person, the more experience he has. To illustrate,
mostly
Replace the word
most
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 working at bigger posts in companies are older
people
Use synonyms
, that’s because of the knowledge and experience they have.
Secondly
Linking Words
,
decrease
Correct article usage
a decrease
show examples
 in
Use synonyms
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of the older
people
Use synonyms
 can directly affect the education of the country.
In particular
Linking Words
,
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
 of professors, doctors and teachers are aged so,
declined
Replace the word
decline
show examples
 in their numbers has
direct
Add an article
a direct
show examples
 effect on education as the expertise would not pass on to the generation. To conclude,
this
Linking Words
 essay argued the
benefits
Use synonyms
 and the drawbacks of
Correct article usage
the rise
show examples
rise
Change the verb form
rising
show examples
 in
Use synonyms
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of the young
adults
Use synonyms
 as compared to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
aged
people
Use synonyms
. In my opinion
although
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 there are
benefits
Use synonyms
 to
rise
Correct article usage
the rise
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young
adults
Use synonyms
, the drawbacks clearly outweigh them.
Submitted by mohammadkashif934 on

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographic
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • innovation
  • skilled labor
  • social development
  • technology
  • dividend
  • competition
  • resources
  • social welfare
  • unrest
  • instability
  • healthcare
  • elderly care
What to do next:
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