IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

some people feel that entertainers such as film stars,pop musicians or sports persons are paid too much money.Do you agree or disagree?which other types of jobs should be highly paid?

Entertainers are an important part of society and they entertain individuals in different ways.It is believed by a few individuals that they are getting more than they deserve,which
according to
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 me, is not a correct statement at all.I thought that they ought to be highly paid
along with
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 the educators and welfare workers. To commence with,the reason to support my view is that these so-called stars may be in sports, and music
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
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getting high wages
according to
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 their talent.Most of them start from a humble background but with their struggles and hard work they become popular and because of
this
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 they start earning more money compared to the past.
For instance
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,the world-famous Indian cricketer Sachin Tendulkar earned a lot in his career and most of them were from
sponsorers
Correct your spelling
sponsors
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.
In addition
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,most organisations hire them for the advertisement of their product
although
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this
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 will elevate their sales. Moving towards the other part,there are certainly some jobs in the community,to whom society pays less to them,namely instructors and social workers.
As tutors
Correct word choice
Tutors
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 are pillars of the country even though they
pay
Wrong verb form
are paid
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 less than the stars as they helped in the development of the country.To cite an example, tutors teach the children in the schools as if they are the future of the nation,if teachers do not teach them properly
then
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 the future of the state will be in danger.
Same
Correct article usage
The same
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 with the case of social workers ,they
also
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 keep the country clear ,
nevertheless
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 their salaries are very low as compared to the other jobs.
To conclude
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, In my ,opinion there are no problems if celebrities are getting too much ,but society should help the other professions,I would suggest that the government should be more enthusiastic to improve the pay scales for educators and social corps.

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Task Achievement
The essay somewhat addresses the question but lacks development and depth in argumentation. It contains some relevant examples but needs better organization and coherence.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction and a conclusion. However, the development of the main points lacks clarity and the connection between them is weak. The use of cohesive devices needs improvement to enhance coherence.
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