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Band 4.5

Many people believe money is a very important factor for achieving happiness. Others, however believe that money has nothing to do with happiness. Discuss both views. and give your opinion.

#people #money #factor #happiness
Money
 is very important for the survival of human beings. Without
money
, one cannot buy food, shelter and clothing which are the basic needs of
people
. Many
people
 believe
money
 is a very important factor to reach
happiness
. Others,
however
Add the comma(s)
,however
show examples
 believe that
money
 has nothing to do with
happiness
.
This
 has always been a big debate and I will give my opinion throughout the essay.
Happiness
 cannot be bought, we tend to associate
happiness
 with
money
. No one can buy love and
happiness
, not even the richest man in the world. The richest man in the world can be the most miserable person if he does not know love,
does
Correct word choice
and does
show examples
 not have emotion and compassion. Someone can be rich but may find himself alone and unhappy,
furthermore
Add a comma
,
show examples
it can be that his
money
 attracts other
people
, but it is
fake
Correct article usage
a fake
show examples
 relationship.
On the other hand
, I can tell that
money
 can
contributes
Wrong verb form
contribute
show examples
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
happiness
.
For
example
Add a comma
,example
show examples
 a
new
Change the adjective
newly
show examples
 wed couple decides to go for a honeymoon on the Hawaiian beach and hotel. Definitely,
money
in
Add the comma(s)
, in this case,
show examples
this
 case can contribute
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 making the couple have good souvenirs of their stay. Sometimes
people
 can afford holidays
in
Change preposition
with
show examples
 family and
unfortunately
Add a comma
,unfortunately
show examples
 they are costly. A holiday with the family brings
happiness
 and some good memories as well. Unfortunately, we observe that poor
people
 often
lacks
Change the verb form
lack
show examples
 education and sometimes violence become part of their life.
Personally
Add a comma
,Personally
show examples
 I believe that love cannot be bought but
however
Add a comma
,however
show examples
 there are different scenarios where we see that
money
 contributes
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the
happiness
 of
people
.
Money
 is the fundamental base of
someone
Change noun form
someone's
show examples
 survival nowadays.
Submitted by amandachokupermal on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

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