IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many people believe money is a very important factor for achieving happiness. Others, however believe that money has nothing to do with happiness. Discuss both views. and give your opinion.

#people #money #factor #happiness
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Money
Use synonyms
 is very important for the survival of human beings. Without
money
Use synonyms
, one cannot buy food, shelter and clothing which are the basic needs of
people
Use synonyms
. Many
people
Use synonyms
 believe
money
Use synonyms
 is a very important factor to reach
happiness
Use synonyms
. Others,
Linking Words
however
Add the comma(s)
,however
show examples
 believe that
money
Use synonyms
 has nothing to do with
happiness
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 has always been a big debate and I will give my opinion throughout the essay.
Happiness
Use synonyms
 cannot be bought, we tend to associate
happiness
Use synonyms
 with
money
Use synonyms
. No one can buy love and
happiness
Use synonyms
, not even the richest man in the world. The richest man in the world can be the most miserable person if he does not know love,
does
Correct word choice
and does
show examples
 not have emotion and compassion. Someone can be rich but may find himself alone and unhappy,
furthermore
Linking Words
Add a comma
,
show examples
it can be that his
money
Use synonyms
 attracts other
people
Use synonyms
, but it is
fake
Correct article usage
a fake
show examples
 relationship.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, I can tell that
money
Use synonyms
 can
contributes
Wrong verb form
contribute
show examples
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
happiness
Use synonyms
.
For
Linking Words
example
Add a comma
,example
show examples
 a
new
Change the adjective
newly
show examples
 wed couple decides to go for a honeymoon on the Hawaiian beach and hotel. Definitely,
money
Use synonyms
in
Add the comma(s)
, in this case,
show examples
this
Linking Words
 case can contribute
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 making the couple have good souvenirs of their stay. Sometimes
people
Use synonyms
 can afford holidays
in
Change preposition
with
show examples
 family and
unfortunately
Add a comma
,unfortunately
show examples
 they are costly. A holiday with the family brings
happiness
Use synonyms
 and some good memories as well. Unfortunately, we observe that poor
people
Use synonyms
 often
lacks
Change the verb form
lack
show examples
 education and sometimes violence become part of their life.
Personally
Add a comma
,Personally
show examples
 I believe that love cannot be bought but
Linking Words
however
Add a comma
,however
show examples
 there are different scenarios where we see that
money
Use synonyms
 contributes
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the
happiness
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
.
Money
Use synonyms
 is the fundamental base of
someone
Change noun form
someone's
show examples
 survival nowadays.
Submitted by amandachokupermal on

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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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