IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? All students should be required to study art and music in secondary school. Use specific reasons to support your answer.

#students #study #art #music #school #support
Many
subjects
 should be learned in both primary and secondary schools, starting from science, ethics, social knowledge, history,
art
, and
music
. The first four
subjects
 are usually the main focus in primary school.
Thus
, students are expected to have more additional courses to learn about
art
 and
music
 outside schools. It is great for pupils to get
experiences
Fix the agreement mistake
experience
show examples
 in
such
subjects
, but I cannot agree if
art
 and
music
 become an obligation for them to fulfil in order to be graduated.
This
 essay will explain some considerations to elaborate on the reasons for my argument.
Firstly
,
art
 and science are specific skills which are not owned by every single person. They could be learned by anyone for nice to know only, not to be an expert. It could be very stressful for people who do not have talents in those areas to be obliged to study and create things related to them. Talents can be different from one person to another so it is not good to push people to study things they are not into them.
Secondly
, the future is not only about
art
 and
music
. There are still a lot of areas that could be explored to be excellent ones,
for example
, science, history, artificial intelligence, and information technology.
Besides
 giving practical implementation in daily life, those
subjects
 are quite interesting things to know
due to
 the development of modern life nowadays. They
also
 benefit people for earnings because many recent jobs
related
Add a missing verb
are related
show examples
 to them. In conclusion, I
endorse
Verb problem
encourage
show examples
 students to study and understand many
subjects
 in order to enrich their knowledge, but I could not agree if
art
 and
music
 must be learned as an obligation in school.
Submitted by smart_girgu on

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Task Response
The essay addresses the prompt and presents a clear opinion. However, it would benefit from providing more specific reasons and examples to support the argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is adequate, with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. However, the essay would benefit from stronger transitions between ideas to improve coherence.
Lexical Resource
The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, but there is a tendency to repeat certain words. Using a wider variety of vocabulary would enhance the lexical resource.
Grammatical Range
The essay exhibits a fairly wide range of grammatical structures and demonstrates control of complex sentences. However, there are some errors in subject-verb agreement and tense consistency that could be improved.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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