IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

With the improvements in today’s health care, society has to care for more and more elderly people. Do you feel that society will be able to cope with the increase in numbers of elderly people today and how can it be managed?

#improvements #today’s #health #care #society #people #numbers
Due to
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
present
Add an article
a present
the present
show examples
 day, technology impacts most of our life
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
changing the world not like before.
This
such
 effect
peple
Correct your spelling
people
 have long live. Now I am gonna explain how benefit
on
Change preposition
from
show examples
this
 and what should we do for the future.
An earlier
Correct article usage
Earlier
show examples
, when the time humankind live along the earth, we spent life without
carefulless
Correct your spelling
carefulness
 and there
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 no
such
things
Fix the agreement mistake
thing
show examples
 called medical treatment.
People
 die young. Some
dies
Change the verb form
die
show examples
since
Correct word choice
when
show examples
teenager
Add an article
a teenager
show examples
 and not
much
Correct quantifier usage
many
show examples
people
 live long over
than
Change preposition
apply
show examples
50 years old.
However
, these days some
people
 can live longer than 100 years old. It is the fact from the news.
Since
Change preposition
With
show examples
 the development of
science
Replace the word
scientific
show examples
 knowledge making ones can live longer.
Furthermore
, high invention and high technology
making
Wrong verb form
make
show examples
 more
people
 believe that life can
counldn't
Correct your spelling
couldn't
 be more convenient and easier. Some
worries
Fix the agreement mistake
worry
show examples
 that
this
 might seem to be hard to manage the elder age but I
am believe
Change the verb form
believe
show examples
 that in the future, the science will create robots take care
expecially
Correct your spelling
especially
 elder
people
.
These solution
Change the determiner
This solution
These solutions
show examples
Correct your spelling
fixes
fixs
Correct your spelling
fix
 the problem that if more and more high ages
people
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
will
responsible
Replace the word
respond
show examples
. On the
Correct your spelling
contrary
contary
Correct your spelling
contrary
, if the number of teenage and elder
is not balance
Change the verb form
is not balanced
is not balancing
show examples
 it can cause some
Correct your spelling
negative
negaitive
Correct your spelling
negative
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
 too.
For example
, if the country has
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 number of ages
people
 more than working
poppulation
Correct your spelling
population
this
 will stop the
Correct your spelling
development
developement
Correct your spelling
development
 in
this
 country
Correct your spelling
because
becuaase
Correct your spelling
because
 there
no
Add a missing verb
is no
show examples
 labour for working in
industrial
Replace the word
industry
show examples
.
Correct your spelling
Moreover
Morover
Correct your spelling
Moreover
, taking care of
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age
show examples
poppulation
Correct your spelling
population
 only cost the budget. The government have to separate some of the money spent on
this
 kind of project
instead
 of using
for
Correct pronoun usage
it for
show examples
 development in
country
Add an article
the country
show examples
. To conclude, I think we can cope with
higher
Correct article usage
a higher
show examples
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Correct your spelling
population
populations
poppulation
Correct your spelling
population
 of older if the government have a good plan for coping with money. Comments:
Submitted by joymaynig on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: