IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

A person’s health is their own responsibility rather than the government’s responsibility. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#person’s #health #responsibility #government’s
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It is a saying that a person's
health
Use synonyms
 is the responsibility of themselves
instead
Linking Words
 of the
government
Use synonyms
. I think both parties are responsible, and
this
Linking Words
 essay will explain why. The
government
Use synonyms
 cannot keep everyone healthy,
people
Use synonyms
 themselves should take responsibility. The
government
Use synonyms
 cannot control
people
Use synonyms
's daily routines and eating habits.
People
Use synonyms
 nowadays eat too much food with high sugar and high fat, which is the main reason that makes us fat.
Linking Words
Likewise
Add a comma
Likewise,
show examples
 more and more
people
Use synonyms
 like to enjoy the nightlife, so it would disrupting the biological clock leads to insomnia. Namely
People
Use synonyms
's lack of self-discipline results in these bad living habits.
As a result
Linking Words
, they need to be responsible for the
health
Use synonyms
 problems they cause.
However
Linking Words
, the
government
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 has an inescapable responsibility for
people
Use synonyms
's
health
Use synonyms
.
First
Correct article usage
The first
show examples
 thing is that environmental problems threaten
people
Use synonyms
's
health
Use synonyms
, and only the
government
Use synonyms
 can manage the pollution problem.
For example
Linking Words
, we can see an increasing number of cars releasing an amount of waste in cities, which is harmful to our body and breathing system. If the
government
Use synonyms
 can take some measures to control the
emission
Fix the agreement mistake
emissions
show examples
 from cars, it will reduce the risk of
people
Use synonyms
 getting sick.
Also
Linking Words
, the
government
Use synonyms
 should have more funding for healthcare to ease
people
Use synonyms
's burden of seeing a doctor. Because there are many
people
Use synonyms
 who cannot afford the
fee
Fix the agreement mistake
fees
show examples
 for medical treatment, they need help from the
government
Use synonyms
 to tackle medical problems.
To sum up
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 should be responsible for their own
health
Use synonyms
, but the
government
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 has responsibilities.
Submitted by charlessung.hk on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and supports the thesis statement. Additionally, consider the use of linking words to improve the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay.
task response
Make sure to fully address all aspects of the essay prompt and provide more specific examples to support your points. Consider expanding on the government's role and responsibilities in relation to people's health.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • personal accountability
  • health outcomes
  • public health campaigns
  • regulations
  • healthcare services
  • environmental quality
  • socio-economic factors
  • governmental intervention
  • healthy living
  • informed health decisions
What to do next:
Look at other essays: