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Band 4.5

Some people think that we live in a society where money and possessions are given too much importance. Others believe that this is improving our lives. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #society #money #possessions #importance #lives
Some
people
 hold the opinion that we are living in an increasingly materialized world, where
people
's wealth determines their success. Contrastingly, some other
people
 consider
this
 trend as a positive phenomenon that can motivate
people
 to make considerable progress.
This
 essay
discuss
Change the verb form
discusses
show examples
 both views and states why
this
 materialism can only benefit societies when it is
practiced
Change the spelling
practised
show examples
 in moderation. A large number of
people
 in the modern world consider the ability
of making
Replace the preposition
to make
show examples
 a fortune as an excellent asset.
This
 new set of
value
Fix the agreement mistake
values
show examples
 is clearly reflected in the surveys where children and teenagers have to answer why they are choosing their future
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
. An
astonishing
Change the adjective
astonishingly
show examples
 large number of them state a materialistic reason for the
persuit
Correct your spelling
pursuit
 of their future professions.
This
 is while
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 the past generations usually had more idealistic purposes when they chose their jobs.
This
 shows that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
 is emphasizing the importance of being wealthy. That being said, there are some
people
 who believe
this
 change of values actually serves the societies in a positive way. When there is a desire for making a large amount of money,
people
 make bigger efforts to flourish their business, which
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the end will benefit both
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
 and the individual.
However
, the defenders of
this
 movement seem to ignore some important factors.
First
,
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
society
 is well-developed when it grows
balancedly
Correct your spelling
balanced
.
This
 is while, the materialistic attitude does not encourage the young to go after more rewarding jobs like teaching or nursing,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 are
poorly-paid
Correct your spelling
poorly paid
show examples
.
Moreover
, how can we ensure that a mindset that
prioritize
Change the verb form
prioritizes
show examples
 making money over anything else, will not encourage the young to earn it through illegal means,
such
 as drug trafficking? To conclude,
although
 earning possession can be an inspiration for
people
 to work and bloom
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 if it is not accompanied
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 moral values it can leave detrimental effects on
people
 and their
society
.
Submitted by manam75 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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