IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some believe that secondary school children should study international news like other subjects in school, while others believe that this is a waste of time. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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A group of individuals present a view that international
news
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 should be included in the secondary
school
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 curriculum,
while
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 others believe that it does not have any benefits for them. I strongly agree with the latter opinion. On the one hand, some people justifiably argue that teaching international
news
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 in secondary schools is nothing but wasting of time which can even lead to some serious problems for
students
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. First of all, the mental effects of bad
news
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 on student’s minds should not be underestimated. To elaborate, nowadays most of the
news
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 contents are about war, crime, economic recession, inflation, or poverty which none of them
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 appropriate for
school
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students
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 to be informed of
due to
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 the fact it can lead to an increase in anxiety or stress of the
students
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 and ruin their calmness.
Moreover
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,
this
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 information can be considered a great distraction for children. To more extent, when
students
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 are bombarded with a great amount of information, it can decrease their concentration on core courses.
Therefore
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, not only the education’s quality but even their future lives will be affected.
On the other hand
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, another group claims that learning international
news
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 at
school
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 can be useful for pupils. They insist that they should be aware of what is going on around them from a young age to learn some critical life skills
such
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 as problem-solving and critical thinking.
However
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, I do not find it convincing as the deteriorated effects of
news
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 on their
students
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’ minds from
this
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 young age overweight its bright sides.
In addition
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, secondary
school
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students
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 are too young; they will have definitely enough time in the future, at a higher level of education, to not only learn about the world’s
news
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 but
also
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 to interpret it critically. To summarize,
while
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 people may vary in their opinions, I think that either psychological effects or distraction of
students
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 from their primary course are two convincing reasons to exclude
news
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 lessons from the
school
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’s plan.
Moreover
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, enough time will be available for
students
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 to learn about the
news
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 when they come to an age and be more prepared to accept, analyze, and understand.

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task achievement
Your introduction is clear, but make sure your position is evident from the start. Adding a more engaging opening statement could have made it more compelling.
coherence cohesion
Proofread your essay for minor grammatical errors and ensure consistency in singular and plural usage, such as 'student's minds' to 'students' minds'. This will improve clarity and readability.
task achievement
Some points, such as the effects of bad news, are well-developed, but providing more specific examples or evidence could strengthen your argument further.
coherence cohesion
Make clear links between your points and examples. Ensuring each paragraph flows logically to the next will enhance your overall coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
Consider addressing potential counterarguments in a more detailed and balanced way to show a deeper understanding of the issue.
coherence cohesion
The essay structure is generally well-organized with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task achievement
You have provided a balanced discussion of both views, which demonstrates the ability to objectively consider differing perspectives.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and reinforces your opinion, providing a strong ending to your essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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