IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

#people #health #sports #facilities #effect #measures
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It
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is
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it
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is
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 believed that public health heavily depends on the availability of
sport
Change the noun form
sports
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 facilities for
population
Correct article usage
the population
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. Though detractors say it is rather a narrow view on the problem statement and prefer to consider a variety of other things impacting public
heath
Correct your spelling
health
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. In
this
Linking Words
article
Add a comma
,article
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 I would like to expand both points of view in more detail. Without any doubt,
absence
Correct article usage
the absence
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 of sports facilities in some
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
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 would negatively impact its inhabitants.
However
Linking Words
, let us
Linking Words
firstly
Replace the word
first
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 figure out what is actually meant when someone says “doing sports is good for your
body
Use synonyms
”. In my
opinion
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,opinion
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 people mean that
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
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 lifestyle leads towards obesity, early problems with bones and other human organs, while if you did some exercises at least twice a week it would help your
body
Use synonyms
 to serve you for a much longer
time
Use synonyms
. Having
this
Linking Words
 in mind let me ask a question - does a person who
work
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works
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 physically 5 days a week need to go hell and high water in a gym? No, obviously our
body
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 requires some
time
Use synonyms
 for recovery. So the original statement is rather applicable to white collars who spend most of their
time
Use synonyms
 in comfortable chairs in an office. They are the target group who really needs the availability of
sport
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sports
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 facilities close to their areas of
inhabitat
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Inhabitat
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.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
,
besides
Linking Words
 spending quality
time
Use synonyms
 in
gym
Correct article usage
the gym
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 it is very important to maintain a healthy diet and at least find a balance with bad habits,
such
Linking Words
 as smoking, drinking
alkohol
Correct your spelling
alcohol
, et cetera. Without necessary nutrients our
body
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 won`t be able to perform and grow so visiting
gym
Correct article usage
a gym
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 would turn into a negative factor regardless
how
Change preposition
of how
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 crazy it may seem. By poisoning our
body
Use synonyms
 with smoke and alcohol we limit
natural
Correct article usage
the natural
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 capabilities of our lungs and liver
what
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 impacts
the
Correct article usage
apply
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productivity both at work and
in
Change preposition
on
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 sports premises. Another important factor is mental health,
however
Linking Words
, it
worths
Add a missing verb
is worths
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 a separate article so
for now
Add the comma(s)
, for now,
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 I just leave it as
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
food for your thoughts.
Submitted by shpona86 on

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Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health
  • sports facilities
  • physical activity
  • exercise
  • chronic diseases
  • heart disease
  • obesity
  • inclusivity
  • participation
  • safe environment
  • social interaction
  • community engagement
  • comprehensive approach
  • health education programs
  • environmental factors
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • quality healthcare services
  • public health initiatives
What to do next:
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