IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

#people #health #sports #facilities #effect #measures
It
Correct your spelling
is
show examples
it
Correct your spelling
is
show examples
 believed that public health heavily depends on the availability of
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 facilities for
population
Correct article usage
the population
show examples
. Though detractors say it is rather a narrow view on the problem statement and prefer to consider a variety of other things impacting public
heath
Correct your spelling
health
show examples
. In
this
article
Add a comma
,article
show examples
 I would like to expand both points of view in more detail. Without any doubt,
absence
Correct article usage
the absence
show examples
 of sports facilities in some
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
 would negatively impact its inhabitants.
However
, let us
firstly
Replace the word
first
show examples
 figure out what is actually meant when someone says “doing sports is good for your
body
”. In my
opinion
Add a comma
,opinion
show examples
 people mean that
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
show examples
 lifestyle leads towards obesity, early problems with bones and other human organs, while if you did some exercises at least twice a week it would help your
body
 to serve you for a much longer
time
. Having
this
 in mind let me ask a question - does a person who
work
Change the verb form
works
show examples
 physically 5 days a week need to go hell and high water in a gym? No, obviously our
body
 requires some
time
 for recovery. So the original statement is rather applicable to white collars who spend most of their
time
 in comfortable chairs in an office. They are the target group who really needs the availability of
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 facilities close to their areas of
inhabitat
Change the capitalization
Inhabitat
show examples
.
Nevertheless
,
besides
 spending quality
time
 in
gym
Correct article usage
the gym
show examples
 it is very important to maintain a healthy diet and at least find a balance with bad habits,
such
 as smoking, drinking
alkohol
Correct your spelling
alcohol
, et cetera. Without necessary nutrients our
body
 won`t be able to perform and grow so visiting
gym
Correct article usage
a gym
show examples
 would turn into a negative factor regardless
how
Change preposition
of how
show examples
 crazy it may seem. By poisoning our
body
 with smoke and alcohol we limit
natural
Correct article usage
the natural
show examples
 capabilities of our lungs and liver
what
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 impacts
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
productivity both at work and
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 sports premises. Another important factor is mental health,
however
, it
worths
Add a missing verb
is worths
show examples
 a separate article so
for now
Add the comma(s)
, for now,
show examples
 I just leave it as
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
food for your thoughts.
Submitted by shpona86 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health
  • sports facilities
  • physical activity
  • exercise
  • chronic diseases
  • heart disease
  • obesity
  • inclusivity
  • participation
  • safe environment
  • social interaction
  • community engagement
  • comprehensive approach
  • health education programs
  • environmental factors
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • quality healthcare services
  • public health initiatives
What to do next:
Look at other essays: