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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people believe that the care of elderly people should be a priority of government spending. Others believe that government spending should focus more on young people, especially on their education. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #care #priority #government #focus #education
Senior citizens require support from the government when they need
care
, and
therefore
, they should be on the top list of the
country
's official spending.
While
 some would say it is utterly wrong and high
focus
 should be provided on youth education.
This
 essay agrees with the latter point and
would show
Wrong verb form
shows
show examples
 that despite
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
show examples
needs
Fix the agreement mistake
need
show examples
care
Change preposition
for care
show examples
, youths are the investment of the
country
. It is often argued that old
aged
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
people
 should be on the priority list for financial help in terms of
care
, as they have no one to take
care
 of them. ,Usually most of their children are either busy with their own families, or with their jobs. One of the important factors, which should not be neglected is that elderly
people
 have paid taxes all their lives to get back when they need the most in the form of support.
For example
, the UK government has formed a department, which is solely responsible for providing standardized
care
 to old aged
people
.
Therefore
 I believe that a standard system with an established budget should not require a priority
focus
 on spending. Youth are the core of the
country
, and the best source to nourish them is through an updated educational system which requires
focus
 and logical thinking
as well as
 priority spending. When the government leaders
would
Verb problem
apply
show examples
spend their time planning the areas of the different educational fields with updated resources and methodologies,
this
 is when the youth will grow themselves to their full capacity, leading to bringing change in their own
country
.
For example
, most of the citizens belonging
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
India won the competition for film editing, because they get the chance to learn how to use the latest electronic gadgets at their early stage of school life.I,
therefore
, believe that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
spendings
Correct your spelling
spending
show examples
 more
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
focus
 on teenagers will result in a successful
country
. In conclusion, despite the elderly
people
 have been an important part of society,
this
 essay thinks that investing in young age children is far more valuable in the long term.
Submitted by nottasadaf96 on

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coherence cohesion
The introduction should provide a clearer outline of the main points that will be discussed in the essay. This will help the reader to follow the argument more easily.
task achievement
The essay responds adequately to the task by discussing both views and providing an opinion. However, ensure that each view is presented with detailed supporting points and that the opinion is clearly stated in the introduction and conclusion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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