IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Topic: It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#topic #schoolchildren #history #world
It is a fact that historical studies are the gateway to the ancient lifestyle and civilisation. Some people advocate that rather than teaching world
history
 it is more crucial to provide local
history
 for school children. From my point of view, I consider it a flawed statement and I completely disagree with it. The reasoning for my agreement is analysed in the ensuing paragraphs.
Firstly
, the prime reason why I disagree with the statement is that
the
Correct article usage
apply
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knowledge regarding global ancient
information
 is more important than local
history
 because only
then
 the younger generation can get a clear picture regarding the evolution of life and culture. To explain
further
,
although
 people find it flawless to obtain details of their locality and acquire detailed data, gathering the complete
detail
Fix the agreement mistake
details
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 of how the world has evolved in substantial ways educates every offspring of the society about how they have sustained and thrived in different ways.
As a result
, the community not only learn about their
history
 but
also
 how they have
got
Verb problem
apply
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moulded into the present stage.
For instance
, if the children get adequate
information
 associated with how India was formed as an independent
country
 from the
asian
Change the capitalization
Asian
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 continent and the empowerment of the British rules, they can get an idea of how the culture of India has formed. In short, more detailed and accurate
information
 regarding global matters
provide
Correct subject-verb agreement
provides
show examples
 more knowledge.
Secondly
, learning the
history
 of the world as a whole lets students compare the progress of
two
Correct article usage
the two
show examples
 nations; they can have a clearer image of the growth of their motherland. To make it more clear, even though various databases can be used to determine the progress of a
country
, a comparison with the ancient stage
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
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 a sheer number of learners to have a transparent picture of the improvements in their
country
.
Therefore
, the community become more responsible and self-oriented to maintain or improve the quality
accordingly
.
For example
, when there is no comparison between two things, society might consider their situation as ideal and move on without any specific changes.
However
, if they have a broad view of other states and how they have changed, that data
pave
Correct subject-verb agreement
paves
show examples
 the way to critical changes.
Overall
, more
information
 that can be used for the betterment of the
country
 from global
history
 classes is more advantageous than local ones.
To conclude
, a comprehensive image,
as well as
 crucial
information
 by comparing
the
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apply
show examples
International matters, is more important than local
history
 in the school.
Submitted by rlnambiar98 on

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task response
Ensure that your essay specifically addresses the prompt and fully develops all aspects of the task.
coherence cohesion
Work on structuring your paragraphs more logically and ensure that your ideas are clearly connected and developed.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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