IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Topic: It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It is a fact that historical studies are the gateway to the ancient lifestyle and civilisation. Some people advocate that rather than teaching world
history
Use synonyms
 it is more crucial to provide local
history
Use synonyms
 for school children. From my point of view, I consider it a flawed statement and I completely disagree with it. The reasoning for my agreement is analysed in the ensuing paragraphs.
Firstly
Linking Words
, the prime reason why I disagree with the statement is that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
knowledge regarding global ancient
information
Use synonyms
 is more important than local
history
Use synonyms
 because only
then
Linking Words
 the younger generation can get a clear picture regarding the evolution of life and culture. To explain
further
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
 people find it flawless to obtain details of their locality and acquire detailed data, gathering the complete
detail
Fix the agreement mistake
details
show examples
 of how the world has evolved in substantial ways educates every offspring of the society about how they have sustained and thrived in different ways.
As a result
Linking Words
, the community not only learn about their
history
Use synonyms
 but
also
Linking Words
 how they have
got
Verb problem
apply
show examples
moulded into the present stage.
For instance
Linking Words
, if the children get adequate
information
Use synonyms
 associated with how India was formed as an independent
country
Use synonyms
 from the
asian
Change the capitalization
Asian
show examples
 continent and the empowerment of the British rules, they can get an idea of how the culture of India has formed. In short, more detailed and accurate
information
Use synonyms
 regarding global matters
provide
Correct subject-verb agreement
provides
show examples
 more knowledge.
Secondly
Linking Words
, learning the
history
Use synonyms
 of the world as a whole lets students compare the progress of
two
Correct article usage
the two
show examples
 nations; they can have a clearer image of the growth of their motherland. To make it more clear, even though various databases can be used to determine the progress of a
country
Use synonyms
, a comparison with the ancient stage
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
 a sheer number of learners to have a transparent picture of the improvements in their
country
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the community become more responsible and self-oriented to maintain or improve the quality
accordingly
Linking Words
.
For example
Linking Words
, when there is no comparison between two things, society might consider their situation as ideal and move on without any specific changes.
However
Linking Words
, if they have a broad view of other states and how they have changed, that data
pave
Correct subject-verb agreement
paves
show examples
 the way to critical changes.
Overall
Linking Words
, more
information
Use synonyms
 that can be used for the betterment of the
country
Use synonyms
 from global
history
Use synonyms
 classes is more advantageous than local ones.
To conclude
Linking Words
, a comprehensive image,
as well as
Linking Words
 crucial
information
Use synonyms
 by comparing
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
International matters, is more important than local
history
Use synonyms
 in the school.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Ensure that your essay specifically addresses the prompt and fully develops all aspects of the task.
coherence cohesion
Work on structuring your paragraphs more logically and ensure that your ideas are clearly connected and developed.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: