IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people think that men and women have different qualities. Therefore, some jobs are suitable for men and some jobs are suitable for women. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #men #women #qualities #jobs
It is hard to deny that building public
libraries
 cost a lot, and there are many opportunity costs for
government’s
Correct article usage
the government’s
show examples
 limited budget.
Such
 a fact leads impressionable
people
 to generate
opinion
Correct article usage
the opinion
show examples
 that government should not spend money on establishing
libraries
.
However
,
such
 a statement should be examined meticulously. As far as education, equality and
economy
Correct article usage
the economy
show examples
 are concerned, I strongly hold that
libraries
 play a critical role in many aspects of our society.
First
 and foremost,
libraries
 could raise the education level of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society. They enable
people
 to access more accurate and professional knowledge from
books
 and magazines that are written by professionals.
Books
 and magazines have a more formal and complex publication process, which means they usually had been read and corrected before being published.
In contrast
, the internet allows anybody to upload their own writing that
do
Change the verb form
does
show examples
 not require much thought,
thus
people
 might be misguided by them.
Therefore
,
encourage
Wrong verb form
encouraging
show examples
people
 to read
books
 from
libraries
 is a much better way to raise
people
’s standards of literacy.
Furthermore
, public
libraries
also
 provide a quiet environment for
people
 to read without charging, which can not be offered by
internet
Add an article
the internet
show examples
.
This
 is particularly important for disadvantaged students who could not have their own study space at home. Studying in an environment away from
noises
Fix the agreement mistake
noise
show examples
 could help them to be more concentrated and
thus
 improve their academic performances, which increase their possibilities of getting well-paid jobs in the future.
Besides
, families that could not afford
buying
Change the verb form
to buy
show examples
books
 could borrow them from
libraries
 freely.
Therefore
, free public
libraries
 have positive
impacts
Fix the agreement mistake
impact
show examples
 on narrowing the gap between the rich and the poor.
Nonetheless
, a voice arises that spending money to construct
libraries
 is a waste.
This
 viewpoint ignores the reality that
libraries
 would bring us many financial benefits.
Although
libraries
 are expensive to build and money
spending
Replace the word
spent
show examples
 on education usually seems
like
Change preposition
apply
show examples
less influential than those
spending
Replace the word
spent
show examples
 on healthcare, the impacts of
this
 expenditure should be massive in
Correct article usage
the long-term
show examples
long-term
Correct your spelling
long term
show examples
. When citizens are better educated, the rate of conflicts and crimes would decrease as
people
 become more peaceful and tolerant.
In addition
, gaining more knowledge usually enables workers to become more productive and
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 entrepreneurs
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
become more intelligent.
This
 could increase the efficiency
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 a country’s economy and
thus
 generate economic growth. In conclusion, I believe that
although
 information could be accessed through
internet
Add an article
the internet
show examples
, free public
libraries
 are still essential in today’s world.
Submitted by Yanjun-du on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • gender roles
  • inherent qualities
  • social dynamics
  • merit-based selection
  • advancements in technology
  • levelled the playing field
  • gender stereotypes
  • equal opportunities
  • physical differences
  • workplace
  • evolving
  • traditional view
What to do next:
Look at other essays: