IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Government around the world spend too much money on treating illness and diseases and not enough on health education and prevention. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#government #world #money #illness #diseases #health #education #prevention
I agree with the statement that
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 nowadays spent too much money on
Correct your spelling
illness
ilness
Correct your spelling
illness
 treatment but not
health
education
. Without a well-constructed physical
education
 system,
people
 may easily harm their
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
show examples
 unconsciously, and
government
Add an article
the government
a government
show examples
 would have to spend much more money to save
people
's lives. It may eventually
caused
Change the verb form
cause
be caused
show examples
 a never-ended deteriorating circulation. The main reason why I encourage that
government
 should arrange more expenses on
phsical
Correct your spelling
physical
education
 is
because
Replace the word
that
show examples
 it is the best
way
 to prevent
people
 from buying
uncetificated
Correct your spelling
uncertificated
certificated
 medicine. Some
people
 especially the elders usually purchase
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
medicine which is illegal
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
claiming
Wrong verb form
claims
show examples
 to create
Correct your spelling
surprisingly
surpringly
Correct article usage
a surpringly
show examples
 effect
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
 specific
health
 problems.
However
, these medicines do not pass any testataion,
that is
 to say, we can not make sure of
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 safety
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
Correct article usage
the human's
show examples
human's
Change noun form
human
show examples
 body.
Therefore
, many elders in Taiwan have
health
 problems, owing to the problems above. Another reason why
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should focus more on prevention than treatment is
because
Replace the word
that
show examples
 if everyone
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 the basic knowledge of
health
caring
Replace the word
care
show examples
,
then
people
 will not get sick that often.
Therefore
, there will be
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
 patients in the hospital, and the
government
 would
saved
Change the verb form
save
be saved
show examples
 a huge amount of budget which used to be placed on taking care of patients.
However
, we can not
Correct your spelling
control
controled
Correct your spelling
control
 how much
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
 could
acknowledged
Change the verb form
acknowledge
be acknowledged
show examples
 during
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
health
Correct your spelling
education
show examples
eduction
Correct your spelling
education
show examples
 classes. It may
also
 be a problem if
people
 have no interest
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 learning these courses.
Also
, it is unestimated
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
whether the cost of teaching and preventing
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
diseases will
less
Add a missing verb
be less
show examples
 than the cost of treatment.
Nevertheless
, what
government
 should do is not
choosing
Wrong verb form
choose
show examples
 the easiest or cheapest
way
 to deal with the problem. Even though
Correct your spelling
holding
helding
Correct your spelling
holding
health
education
 is not an easy thing, it is an important
way
 to mitigate the illness percentage of
people
.
People
 may know the
way
 to protect themselves.
Therefore
,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should pay more attention
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 diseases preventing than
curing
Correct pronoun usage
themcuring
show examples
.
Submitted by kuangy0820 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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