IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe it is essential to include physical education classes in the curriculum for all school-age children. Others think that children's time is better spent on more academics subjects. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #education #classes #curriculum #children #time #academics #subjects
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In the present age, there is
a great deal of
Change the quantifier
a lot of
many
plenty of
show examples
discussions
Fix the agreement mistake
discussion
show examples
 about the contents of a perfect
education
Use synonyms
 system. Some
people
Use synonyms
 assert that all school
students
Use synonyms
 should attend physical
education
Use synonyms
 classes as part of the curriculum, whereas many others argue that it is more meaningful to learn
Use synonyms
academics
Change the noun form
academic
show examples
subjects
Use synonyms
. In
this
Linking Words
essay
Add a comma
,essay
show examples
 I will discuss
about
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
different opinions.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, many
people
Use synonyms
 believe that physical
education
Use synonyms
 classes should be included in the school curriculum because regular physical activity provides
students
Use synonyms
 with physical and mental health benefits.
For instance
Linking Words
, overweight and obese
people
Use synonyms
 are at high risk of suffering from cardiovascular diseases, and
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
regular physical activity greatly reduces it, making
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society healthier.
Moreover
Linking Words
, psychologists agree that mental health is significantly connected to physical state
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and that sports help reduce stress and anxiety,
therefore
Linking Words
 making young
people
Use synonyms
 happier.
In contrast
Linking Words
, some
people
Use synonyms
 place
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
great importance on
Use synonyms
academics
Change the noun form
academic
show examples
subjects
Use synonyms
 and believe that they are the key to success in future
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
 and intelligence of the society. There is a widespread opinion that the more educated person is, the more qualified job one can get.
For example
Linking Words
, those
students
Use synonyms
, who learn maths and physics are more likely to hold a well-paid
engineer
Replace the word
engineering
show examples
position
Fix the agreement mistake
positions
show examples
. One more benefit of
Use synonyms
academics
Change the noun form
academic
show examples
subjects
Use synonyms
 is that they make
students
Use synonyms
 more intelligent,
therefore
Linking Words
 when they grow up, they can make better decisions, both personally and as politicians ruling countries. Having considered both views, I personally believe that both physical
education
Use synonyms
 and
Use synonyms
academics
Change the noun form
academic
show examples
 classes are important but they should be balanced, as everyone needs exercise to be able to learn
Use synonyms
academics
Change the noun form
academic
show examples
subjects
Use synonyms
 which can have an effect on
peoples’
Correct your spelling
people's
show examples
 future.
Submitted by oimigle on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: