IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some children spend hours every day on smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

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Nowadays, a lot of kids allocate considerably their
time
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 to
cell
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phones
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. I think it has different drawbacks and different reasons.
This
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 essay will mention some of them.
To begin
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 with, young adults have a strong tendency toward using smartphones, and it has a variety of reasons.
Firstly
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, a lot of applications can be found on cellphones which are attractive to children,
such
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 as game apps. The second reason is that parents do not control them and do not establish some rules or limitations regarding the use of smartphones, so without limitations, they keep using
cell
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phones
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.
Finally
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, the third striking reason is that kids are not educated well, and
government
Correct article usage
the government
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 should invest
time
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 and money in
this
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 field to educate kids to tell them about its disadvantages, and
also
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 encourage them to reduce
using
Wrong verb form
their use of
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 smartphones.
Furthermore
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,
this
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 matter has some drawbacks which have negative effects on young adults. The most salient hazard is that children do not spend their
time
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 on physical activities.
In other words
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, they are reluctant to do some sports or play with their friends outside of the house.
Therefore
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,
this
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 leads to serious diseases in their body.
In addition
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, if they spend all of their
time
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 on
cellphones
Correct your spelling
cell phones
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, they
could not
Wrong verb form
cannot
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 do their homework or even study well.
As a result
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, it prevents them
to do
Change preposition
from doing
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 useful and necessary tasks related to their school tasks. In conclusion, in my view, spending hours every day on
cell
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phones
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have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 an irrefutable and negative effect on children.
This
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lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
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 to preventing them from doing a useful and essential activity. To deal with that issue, parents and government should make rules and encourage them to do some different activities
instead
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 of using
cell
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phones
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.

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task response
Your essay provides a clear position and addresses the prompt, but could benefit from more specific examples and a more balanced approach to the issue.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with clear introduction and conclusion, but the link between the ideas could be improved to enhance coherence.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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