IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some children spend hours every day on smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays, a lot of kids allocate considerably their
time
Use synonyms
 to
cell
Use synonyms
phones
Use synonyms
. I think it has different drawbacks and different reasons.
This
Linking Words
 essay will mention some of them.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, young adults have a strong tendency toward using smartphones, and it has a variety of reasons.
Firstly
Linking Words
, a lot of applications can be found on cellphones which are attractive to children,
such
Linking Words
 as game apps. The second reason is that parents do not control them and do not establish some rules or limitations regarding the use of smartphones, so without limitations, they keep using
cell
Use synonyms
phones
Use synonyms
.
Finally
Linking Words
, the third striking reason is that kids are not educated well, and
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should invest
time
Use synonyms
 and money in
this
Linking Words
 field to educate kids to tell them about its disadvantages, and
also
Linking Words
 encourage them to reduce
using
Wrong verb form
their use of
show examples
 smartphones.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 matter has some drawbacks which have negative effects on young adults. The most salient hazard is that children do not spend their
time
Use synonyms
 on physical activities.
In other words
Linking Words
, they are reluctant to do some sports or play with their friends outside of the house.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 leads to serious diseases in their body.
In addition
Linking Words
, if they spend all of their
time
Use synonyms
 on
cellphones
Correct your spelling
cell phones
show examples
, they
could not
Wrong verb form
cannot
show examples
 do their homework or even study well.
As a result
Linking Words
, it prevents them
to do
Change preposition
from doing
show examples
 useful and necessary tasks related to their school tasks. In conclusion, in my view, spending hours every day on
cell
Use synonyms
phones
Use synonyms
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 an irrefutable and negative effect on children.
This
Linking Words
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 to preventing them from doing a useful and essential activity. To deal with that issue, parents and government should make rules and encourage them to do some different activities
instead
Linking Words
 of using
cell
Use synonyms
phones
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by moradkhanighane on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Your essay provides a clear position and addresses the prompt, but could benefit from more specific examples and a more balanced approach to the issue.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with clear introduction and conclusion, but the link between the ideas could be improved to enhance coherence.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
Look at other essays: