IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Nowadays, more people move away from their friends and families for work. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #move #friends #families #work
It is said that in
this
 day and age, many
people
 will choose to live far away from their friends and
families
 to
work
.
Although
this
 might have some demerits, there are still some merits that exist. In
this
 essay, I will analyze both sides of
this
 problem. Apparently, there are several benefits when
people
 choose to live far away from their
families
 and their friends for
work
.
First
 of all,
people
 will have more chances to be more mature and live independently. To be more specific, they will make money on their own to live and no longer be a burden to their
families
 or relatives.
Moreover
, they have to do most household chores by themselves
such
 as cooking, cleaning, and paying bills or taxes.
Secondly
, there is an opportunity for them to advance their careers faster. Since they will have some conflicts when they live with their parents, they cannot pay attention to their
work
 which leads to
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 reduction in productivity.
Consequently
, living without disturbance,
people
 can wholeheartedly devote themselves to their careers.
On the other hand
,
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
those relocating jobs,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
are more at
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
risk of enduring health problems.
Initially
, they might suffer from physical health problems. They spend too much time at
work
 and
then
 they forget to eat or sleep which results in exhaustion and they can faint anytime. In another case, whenever
people
 get sick, there will
be
Wrong verb form
is
show examples
 nobody to take care of them, and the sickness might be more and more serious. In the
second
 place,
people
 will put up with mental health problems as well. Some
people
 may be homesick because of many challenges when they live in an unfamiliar place.
Furthermore
, migrant workers tend to keep their suffering to themselves just to ease their
families
’ worries;
as a result
, they will be depressed and vulnerable without any awareness from their family members. In conclusion, working alone far from
families
 can have
such
 positive and negative aspects.
Nevertheless
, in my point of view living independently is more beneficial.
Submitted by nguyenminhman21691 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: