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Band 4

"Some people think that they can learn better by themselves than with a teacher. Others think that it is always better to have a teacher. Which do you prefer? Use specific reasons to develop your essay"

#people #teacher
After studying at high
school
, some
students
 choose to
work
, others
go to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
travel until
starting
Wrong verb form
they start
show examples
 studying at
university
.
This
 problem has some benefits and negatives that I mentioned in
this
 essay. On the one hand, studying in high
school
 is quite difficult, so
students
 have to spend a lot of
time
 passing the exam. On
this
 occasion, they can break to prepare for study at
university
. Before they continue learning, the choice to
work
 or trip helps them understand themself, they know what they want and who they become. Working or travelling will carry about them many experiences that when they are
students
 they have not had like: eating different foods, widening their
horizon
Fix the agreement mistake
horizons
show examples
, learning new skills,... ,
,
Change the punctuation
apply
show examples
Eventually
Add a comma
Eventually,
show examples
 they earn money for the family. For
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
instant
Replace the word
instance
show examples
, I finished my
time
 at high
school
 in July but I started studying at
university
 in December so I spent 4 months working as a worker.
This
 job helps me have interesting experiences starting
live
Fix the infinitive
to live
show examples
 far from my family.
On the other hand
, some
people
 travel or
work
 so they do not have enough
time
 to prepare for studying. They admit
themself
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 break over
time
that
Correct word choice
than
show examples
 they should.
As a result
, they miss necessary information and when they go to the other city, they do not adjust.
Students
feel
Verb problem
find it
show examples
 difficult to live far from their family and friends. They are bored and new things make they are irritable.
For example
, when studying abroad,
people
 need a lot of
time
 to understand local
people
 and make friends with
people
 in other countries and
this
 is really a problem. In conclusion,
students
 who choose to
work
 or travel for a year between finishing high
school
 and starting
university
 have some advantages like having
time
 to rest and having many experiences but
this
 is can take
time
 for them that they use to adjust to the new circumstances.
Submitted by trandung09091999 on

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task response
The essay addresses the prompt and provides a clear response to the task. However, the explanation could be more thorough and specific.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a coherent structure with clear introduction and conclusion. However, there is some lack of logical ordering and connectivity between ideas. Transition words and phrases could be used more effectively to improve coherence and cohesion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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