IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

To achieve personal happiness, the relationships we have with other people are more essential than every other thing. Issues like wealth and occupations take the second place. Write to support this claim.

#happiness #relationships #people #wealth #occupations #second #place #support
The growing
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
pressures of the
Add a hyphen
money-driven
show examples
money driven
Add a hyphen
money-driven
show examples
 world we live in widely cause the
gravition
Correct your spelling
gravitation
towards
Change preposition
toward
show examples
 materials items.
However
,
persona
Replace the word
personal
show examples
;
happiness
 is not achieved through things like work, wealth and success.
Through
Correct your spelling
Though
show examples
 these things may be attractive and coveted, it does not refute the fact that
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
 with people around
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 the genuine secrets to living happily.
This
 will be proven by bringing up the topic of wealthy superstars who steadily live lonely lives and the
Correct your spelling
advice
advices
Change the wording
advice
pieces of advice
bits of advice
show examples
elderly
Change preposition
of elderly
show examples
 people based on their
happiness
.
Firstly
,
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 the love
security
Correct word choice
and security
show examples
 might influence people’s welfare and decrease the life quality.
For instance
, Sulli from South Korea used to be one of the most successful K-Pop
star
Change to a plural noun
stars
show examples
 in the entertainment industry. Unfortunately in 2018, Sulli
found
Add a missing verb
was found
show examples
 dead inside her apartment despite the fact that she
just
Add a missing verb
had just
show examples
ad
Correct your spelling
had
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 conversation with her fans the day before. She
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
committed suicide
since
Correct word choice
because
show examples
 the depression was overwhelmed by the negative thoughts.
Moreover
, because
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
mental illness prevent her to willing to share, none of Sulli’s fellow colleagues or her family member spot the symptoms of anxiety or mental disorder while communicating with her.
Although
 owns
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 major legacy and
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 bright career, it is
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
obstacles
Fix the agreement mistake
obstacle
show examples
 for her to
seek
Wrong verb form
seeking
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
real
happiness
.
Conversly
Correct your spelling
Conversely
, genuine joy can find in little moments around us without the need
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
materials
Change the noun form
material
show examples
objects
Correct word choice
or objects
show examples
. Okinawa is an island located in Japan is having the most
longitivity
Correct your spelling
longevity
 and happiest community in the world. Through the experiment made in Okinawa by
scientist
Fix the agreement mistake
scientists
show examples
 years ago, the results turned out
Okinawas
Correct your spelling
Okinawa's
 are not only remaining
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 good relationship with their neighbours as normal, but they take that as the premise to build
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
fulfill
Change the form of the verb
fulfilling
show examples
 life. Once again, keeping up with the relationship whether in small circles or
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
huge societies are still
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
vital
aspects
Fix the agreement mistake
aspect
show examples
 to
decided
Change the form of the verb
decide
show examples
 if
that
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
people reach their highest point of satisfaction or not. As explained above, genuine
happiness
 can never be bought by wealth and everyone gets to realise
this
 when they become old. It is true that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
relationships with friends, colleagues and family member and family members can create joy.
Therefore
, the greater the love you give, the greater you receive.
Submitted by cynthiaquynhphan on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

The Greeting

Depending on the style and aim of the letter, you will need to adapt your greeting.

Always start an informal letter in the ways:

  • Dear + name
  • Hi / Hello + name

‘Dear...’ is more appropriate, so stick with this.

For a formal letter there are two options for the greeting:

  • Use Dear Sir or Madam if you don’t know the name of the person you are writing to.
  • Use Dear + surname if you do know their name, e.g. Dear Mr Smith or Dear Mrs Jones.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: