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Band 3.5

Violence in the media promotes violence in society to what extent do you agree or disagree.

#violence #media #society
The increasing rates of crimes around the world are becoming a huge concern for governments and society,
whereas
 violence in the media is one of the leading causes of brutality. In my opinion, I believe that the
contents
Fix the agreement mistake
content
show examples
 displayed on platforms
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 a huge impact on society's behaviour. To commence with, human minds are highly influenced by the violent scenes advertised and promoted on television. In fact, our minds get used to
such
 actions and normalize them as a typical attitude
thus
 leading to an increase in the rate of crimes among people.
For instance
, the most successful action film Fast and Furious encourages the audience toward prohibited actions
such
 as breaking laws and promoting violence.
in addition
, youngsters are the most critical population since their mindsets can be easily altered by brutal scenes. Unfortunately, most of the shows
targeted
Wrong verb form
target
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to
Change preposition
apply
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children including inappropriate violent actions,
whereas
Correct word choice
where
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 children become aggressive toward others.
Moreover
, parents can't limit
this
 type of show since it is not only displayed on TV
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 on video games and social media as well,
consequently
Add a comma
consequently,
show examples
 it is out of control for both parents and children.
To sum up
, violent shows on media have a pivotal role in the growing rate of violence in society. In my opinion, the brutality rates will not decrease unless these contents are prohibited or limited to specific age groups.
Submitted by ayoub.mehdi on

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task response
Provide a clear position on the topic and support it throughout the essay
coherence cohesion
Add more linking words and use paragraphing to enhance coherence and cohesion

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    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
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    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

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