IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Violence in the media promotes violence in society to what extent do you agree or disagree.

#violence #media #society
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The increasing rates of crimes around the world are becoming a huge concern for governments and society,
whereas
Linking Words
 violence in the media is one of the leading causes of brutality. In my opinion, I believe that the
contents
Fix the agreement mistake
content
show examples
 displayed on platforms
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 a huge impact on society's behaviour. To commence with, human minds are highly influenced by the violent scenes advertised and promoted on television. In fact, our minds get used to
such
Linking Words
 actions and normalize them as a typical attitude
thus
Linking Words
 leading to an increase in the rate of crimes among people.
For instance
Linking Words
, the most successful action film Fast and Furious encourages the audience toward prohibited actions
such
Linking Words
 as breaking laws and promoting violence.
in addition
Linking Words
, youngsters are the most critical population since their mindsets can be easily altered by brutal scenes. Unfortunately, most of the shows
targeted
Wrong verb form
target
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
children including inappropriate violent actions,
Linking Words
whereas
Correct word choice
where
show examples
 children become aggressive toward others.
Moreover
Linking Words
, parents can't limit
this
Linking Words
 type of show since it is not only displayed on TV
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
Linking Words
 on video games and social media as well,
Linking Words
consequently
Add a comma
consequently,
show examples
 it is out of control for both parents and children.
To sum up
Linking Words
, violent shows on media have a pivotal role in the growing rate of violence in society. In my opinion, the brutality rates will not decrease unless these contents are prohibited or limited to specific age groups.
Submitted by ayoub.mehdi on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Provide a clear position on the topic and support it throughout the essay
coherence cohesion
Add more linking words and use paragraphing to enhance coherence and cohesion

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: