IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many people believe that hierarchy developed on basis of cast followed since thousand of years is the right way to run the society. Up to what extent do you agree?

#people #hierarchy #basis #cast #thousand #years #right #society
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Some
people
thinks
Change the verb form
think
show examples
 the basic ladder systems created 1000 years ago with the basic cast
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 still the correct way to run a
society
 . In my opinion, I
am completely disagree
Change the verb form
completely disagree
show examples
 because
society
need
Change the verb form
needs
show examples
 to develop
Correct article usage
a
show examples
more
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
horizontal structure for
everyone
support
Fix the infinitive
to support
show examples
 each other. It is important to have a supportive
society
Change preposition
in
show examples
which
everyone
feel
Change the verb form
feels
show examples
 part of them.
Firstly
,
hierarchy
Correct article usage
the hierarchy
show examples
system
 made one person
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
control
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 making their power and creativity goes lower.
However
Add a comma
,
show examples
this
system
 has been used for several years in governments and
business
Fix the agreement mistake
businesses
show examples
.
This
system
 is not equal for
everyone
 and only one person
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 the power and control
on
Change preposition
over
show examples
 others.
For example
,
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a study
of
Change preposition
by
show examples
 the university of Oxford shows
society
Add an article
a society
show examples
 with
high
Add an article
a high
the high
show examples
 level of
hierarchy
such
 as
dictatorship
Correct article usage
a dictatorship
show examples
make
Change the verb form
makes
show examples
 the
people
living
Wrong verb form
live
show examples
 unhappy and with a sensation of unfulfillment.For
this
 is important for governments
start
Fix the infinitive
to start
show examples
 to incorporate a
system
 more equal
which
Correct word choice
and
show examples
support
Correct subject-verb agreement
supports
show examples
everyone
.
Secondly
, Horizontal systems will develop
more
Correct article usage
a more
show examples
 justice
society
which
Change preposition
in which
show examples
everyone
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 an opportunity to
growth
Replace the word
grow
show examples
 in not competitive
Correct your spelling
environment
enviorment
Correct your spelling
environment
.
People
 can experience their full potential once the
hierarchy
 model disappears.
For example
 countries like Findland try to incorporate a vertical
system
 which shows
people
 is
more happy
Replace the words
happier
show examples
 in that kind of environment and
society
. In conclusion,
hierarchy
Correct article usage
the hierarchy
show examples
 model still
exist
Change the verb form
exists
show examples
 in our
society
,
some
Correct word choice
and some
show examples
 part of the population believe
that is
 good for our
society
.
Otherwise
, some
people
thinks
Change the verb form
think
show examples
horizontal
Correct article usage
the horizontal
show examples
 model of
society
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
will become popular in the future. In my opinion, I think
society
 should more horizontal because they need to be equal and less competitive.
Submitted by usoncata on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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