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Band 5

Some people say that the only way to get success is to go to universities while others think that it depends on other factors. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #success #universities #factors
There are controversial conceptions heating up a debate over how to become a high achiever.
While
 some claim that going to
universities
Fix the agreement mistake
university
show examples
 is the sole way to get fruitfulness, the opposite makes a statement that it has heavy dependence on alternative elements.
While
 it has its own perks , I would contend that it is optimal to combine
mentioned
Correct article usage
the mentioned
show examples
 factors. Without a shadow of a doubt, institutions
bring
Verb problem
have
show examples
 a great impact on
people
’s success. Currently,
people
 live in a society based on qualification, particularly, large or even small enterprises all require their applicants’ qualification from prestigious universities.
For instance
, the students studying in reputed colleges in Vietnam
such
 as National Economics University or Foreign Trade University will gain more opportunities to be employed by leading corporations named PWC, KPMG, Deloitte and EY.
Thus
, getting into universities plays a paramount significance in the success of
people
.
While
 the importance of enrolling
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 colleges is widely acknowledged, the fruitfulness of
people
 has
heavy
Add an article
a heavy
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 reliance on other elements, especially
skills
. And the explanation for
this
 is that when
people
 have
skills
, they will make exponentially
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
value for their enterprises without spending time on training. To be specific, negotiation
skills
 can be cited as a compelling instance of the element which can help
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
companies to sign a contract by persuading customers to use services.
Therefore
, a set of soft
skills
contribute
Correct subject-verb agreement
contributes
show examples
 to
people
’s success. In conclusion,
while
 getting into institutions brings a tremendous impact on becoming a high achiever, there is a wealth of other facets which prove themselves as an advantageous influence on their fruitfulness
such
 as useful
skills
.
Submitted by hominhtrang995 on

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Task Achievement
Ensure a clear position or viewpoint throughout the essay, helping to maintain a focused argument.
Task Achievement
Work on providing and integrating more specific, relevant examples to support each point. This will enhance both the argumentation and the essay's depth.
Coherence and Cohesion
Improve clarity and coherence by establishing a more logical structure in paragraphs and linking sentences more effectively. This can be done by using a variety of linking words and phrases.
Coherence and Cohesion
Aim for a more sophisticated use of paragraphing, ensuring each one deals with a single idea and follows logically from the previous, tied together by a clear topic sentence.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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