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Band 4.5

Some people say that the only way to get success is to go to universities while others think that it depends on other factors. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #success #universities #factors
There are two controversial perspectives heating up a debate over the method to be successful in life.
While
 some claim that getting access to tertiary education plays a paramount significant role in
people
’s fruitfulness,the opposite makes a statement that it
have
Change the verb form
has
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 a heavy reliance on other determinants.
While
 each has its own redeeming feature,I would contend that it is optimal to combine both mentioned factors. Without a shadow of a doubt,being accessible to university puts a premium on
people
’s success,but there are other elements that can affect it .
And
Correct word choice
This
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this
 is probably
due to
 the fact that
the
Correct article usage
a
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university’s
Change noun form
university
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 degree will help
people
 be hired
in
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by
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 some leading corporation,which
makes
Verb problem
gives
show examples
 them
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
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a better occupation.
For instance
,some popular firms
such
 as VINGROUP
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 a tendency to recruit
people
 graduating from top-rank universities in Vietnam, namely National Economics University,
Foreign
Correct word choice
and Foreign
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 Trade University.
Therefore
, absorbing precious knowledge at the academy is of imperativeness but it is not the only way.
While
 the necessity of getting access to
academy
Correct article usage
an academy
show examples
is widely acknowledge
Change the verb form
is widely acknowledged
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,
people
’s fruitfulness relies on other elements,especially
skills
. And the reason for
this
 is that the more set of
skills
people
 have,the better their work quality is.
Moreover
,
people
 can bring some precious contribution to the company. Communication
skills
,time-management
skills
,
problems solving
Replace the word
and problem-solving
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skills
 can be cited as
one
Correct determiner usage
some
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 of the most outstanding instances in order to make a large amount of profit in a short period of time .
Hence
,
people
’s high achievements are heavily dependent on various determinants, especially
skills
. In conclusion,despite getting access to tertiary education is
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
importance
Replace the word
important
show examples
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
people
’s success,it relies on other factors.
Submitted by hominhtrang995 on

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task achievement
Make sure the essay provides a balanced discussion that clearly addresses both views presented in the question and concludes with your own clear opinion.
task achievement
Support your main points with factual, relevant examples where possible, ensuring that you provide comprehensive development for your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Organize your essay into clear paragraphs, including a distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph should have a clear central topic.
coherence cohesion
Use cohesive devices (linking words, pronouns, conjunctions) appropriately to ensure the text flows logically and is easy to follow.
coherence cohesion
Check for grammatical mistakes and work on avoiding repetitive sentence structures. Aim for a variety of complex sentence forms.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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