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Band 3.5

Some people say that the only way to get success is to go to universities while others think that it depends on other factors. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #success #universities #factors
There are controversial perspectives heating up a debate over how to become a high-achiever.
While
 some claim that digesting precious insights in
colleges
Fix the agreement mistake
college
show examples
 is the sole approach to
achieve
Wrong verb form
achieving
show examples
 high accomplishment, the opposite makes a statement that it has heavy dependence on alternative factors.
While
 each has its own perks, I would contend that it is optimal to combine both mentioned elements. Without a shadow of a doubt, absorbing useful knowledge plays
such
 a paramount significant role in people’s success which is granted for them immensely fundamental insights.
Those
Correct determiner usage
This
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
knowledge serves as a redeeming feature for future careers.
For example
, Marketing, Economics and Finance will be handed down by professional teachers who have a firm grasp of abundant
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
majors.
Thus
, getting to institutions brings an advantageous impact on their fruitfulness.
While
 the
importance
Replace the word
important
show examples
 impact of enrolling in colleges is widely acknowledged, the fruitfulness of people has a heavy reliance on other factors, especially
skills
, attitude,characteristics and working style. With regard to
skills
, when a person has
skills
, they will quickly create value for the company without wasting time on training.
For instance
, communication
skills
, time management
skills
 or problem-solving
skills
 can be cited as compelling examples which help them have an opportunity to be recruited .
Therefore
, sets of
skills
 make a contribution to each person’s success. In conclusion,
while
 achieving high accomplishments in academies has a
greatly
Change the adverb
great
show examples
 influence on a person’s fruitfulness, there are many alternatives which have an effect on success
such
 as soft
skills
.
Submitted by hominhtrang995 on

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coherence cohesion
Consider structuring your essay more effectively by clearly delineating your introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each paragraph should begin with a topic sentence that succinctly states the paragraph's main point.
coherence cohesion
Enhance cohesion by using a wider range of linking words and phrases to better connect ideas within and across paragraphs.
task achievement
To improve task achievement, make sure to fully respond to all parts of the prompt. Develop your arguments with clear, comprehensive ideas, and support these with specific examples where appropriate.
task achievement
Incorporate more specific, real-life examples to substantiate your arguments. This adds credibility to your points and demonstrates an understanding of how your arguments apply in practical contexts.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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