IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outwaigh the disadvantages?

#time #population #countries #adults #people #situation #outwaigh
In the current century, the
population
 of some
countries
 is composed of
large
Add an article
a large
show examples
proportion
 of youngsters rather than
old
Add an article
the old
show examples
 generation.
Although
 some demerits are foreseeable in these
countries
, I believe that they benefit more from their young generation.
Countries
 containing
of
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
younger
Add an article
the younger
show examples
population
 have been experiencing
dramatical
Replace the word
dramatic
show examples
 growth in their
economy
Replace the word
economic
show examples
 states. Young adults are believed to have higher life expectancy making them more productive, more innovative, and more energetic workforces. They have
longer
Replace the word
long
show examples
 working hours work
pass
Correct your spelling
past
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
office hours, and the quality of their work is much higher compared to employees who are over 40. To back
this
 statement up, China which is one of the
countries
 with the largest youth
population
 and a pioneer of economics in the world
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 is a good example. In these
countries
 the burden on the healthcare system reduces.
Researches
Fix the agreement mistake
Research
show examples
 done by
19th
Correct article usage
the 19th
show examples
 century had proven that individuals passing the age of 50, will be at more risk of chronic diseases like high blood pressure and diabetes.
Thus
,
Countries
 with younger
population
Fix the agreement mistake
populations
show examples
 have higher public health
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
, (no comma we
Correct your spelling
have
had
hav
Correct your spelling
have
 no sbj) and put less pressure on
country’s
Correct article usage
the country’s
show examples
 medical
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
. (Explain more) Despite all the benefits, the drawbacks of
lower
Add an article
a lower
show examples
proportion
 of older people in these
countries
 are hard to ignore. They can experience
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of experts, and there will not be enough skilled workers who have devoted their lives to their jobs to teach the youth.
This
 can lead to
dead
Add an article
a dead
show examples
end
Fix the agreement mistake
ends
show examples
 in all career fields and
deterioration
Correct article usage
the deterioration
show examples
 of the country.
For instance
, India
having
Change the form of the verb
has
show examples
a
Change the article
the
show examples
 youngest
population
, based on the latest census,(unnecessary information) has the lowest
proportion
 of skilled
labors
Change the spelling
labours
show examples
. As suggested above, to sum
up
Add the comma(s)
,up
show examples
 to summarize high
proportion
 of youngsters in some
countries
 is highly advantageous for their economy and healthcare system as long as they train them well.
Submitted by amin.pi on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: