Some people believe that individuals who earn a lot of money are the most successful. Others say that the individuals who contribute to society (such as scientists or teachers) are the most successful. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
In the present age, whether a wealthy person is more successful than a man earning a huge salary has sparked much debate. Some people, including myself, assert that altruistic professions are the most beneficial ones to humanity‘s education, health or protection
whereas
others
believe that without money you are incapable of helping others
significantly.
Essentially, people working daily in order to help others
or improve the well-being of humanity live the most meaningful lives. More specifically, teachers who are responsible for bringing up future generations, health care specialists who are in charge of patients‘ physical and mental state or soldiers who run the risk of losing their lives with a view to protecting their homeland have an immensely useful mission which would definitely make them fully-fledged human beings. For instance
, Gandhi played a vital role in the Indian Independence War in
the beginning of the twentieth century as he promoted the idea of a disarmed fight by showing the protest against the dominance of the UK‘s authorities peacefully. Change the preposition
at
As a result
, these individuals bring about a positive change in society, thus
, they are the most high-flying people in the world.
On the other hand
, wealth opens up countless possibilities that a person is able to take advantage of. To be exact, if you earn a reasonable profit, you have a chance not just to explore the world‘s beauty or eat in the most prestigious restaurants, but also
to financially support humans who lack help. For instance
, today‘s millionaire Bill Gates is known to have donated millions to decrease poverty in various countries. Consequently
, money allows owners to invest in projects which aim to improve the existence of humanity.
To sum up
, professionals such
as doctors, teachers or military men put a great deal of effort on a daily basis to create a brighter future for many human beings, therefore
, I am convinced that they are the most successful individuals. However
, others
making a lot of money might contribute to society‘s well-being as well by investing in donation organizations.Submitted by oimigle on
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task response
Your essay largely addresses the task and presents a balanced view on both perspectives about success. To further strengthen your task response, ensure all ideas are directly linked back to the main topic of success to maintain focus.
coherence cohesion
There is a clear logical structure with distinct paragraphs for each main idea. However, transitions between some ideas could be smoother to enhance the flow of the argument. Ensure every paragraph logically leads to the next.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-presented, providing a summary and your opinion on the topic. To improve further, reiterate key points more concisely in the conclusion.
task response
Your essay effectively balances the discussion of both views on success, providing relevant examples like Gandhi and Bill Gates to support your ideas.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure is commendable with clear paragraphs dedicated to specific arguments, thus maintaining clarity throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly sets up the debate and your stance, while the conclusion succinctly summarizes your arguments and opinion, emphasizing the strengths of your essay.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?
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