IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Parents should encourage children to spend less time in studies and more time in physical activities. To what extent do you agree?

#parents #children #time #studies #activities
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No one can deny that guardians should encourage their kids to spend little hours in study and much more time in healthy physical exercise. I agree with
this
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 notion Because today's learners will only focus on their studies and not spend the day on good activities I will discuss
this
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 in the upcoming paragraphs.
To begin
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 with the agreement, In
this
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 modern ,era all parents are worried about their
child's
Fix the agreement mistake
children's
show examples
 careers and they force their sons every time focus on their studies.
In other words
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, The students stress out about their learning patterns and which will affect their health and brain ability and impact their future
life
Use synonyms
 and so many chances to lose their brain's memory without the activity they will become abnormal react to other people.
For instance
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, British experts reveal headlines physical development is an essential part of the activity and is useful for marriage
life
Use synonyms
 successfully and its good effect on their society.
Hence
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, Physical things are good for individuals' habits and they will be worth full in the upcoming years.
On the other hand
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, learners spend their
life
Use synonyms
 learning something useful for their nation developed to help and it is important to study every beneficial thing for their
life
Use synonyms
such
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 as new courses. To explain, Nowadays every high-paid job
will require
Wrong verb form
requires
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 top-level qualifications
due to
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 their company will hire a good ability people and it helps their region's industries to succeed.
For example
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, In the USA schools will require all international students will examine their IQ tests and they believe high brain thinking is useful for their country.
Thus
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, Studying majors is important
instead
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 of other activities and it is good for their
life
Use synonyms
. In conclusion,
Although
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 Physical attraction is good for some time
but
Remove the conjunction
apply
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studying new skills is much more grateful for their economy.
Besides
Linking Words
, Today's all things are good but health is first essential for their community.
Submitted by razab5469 on

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critique
Task response: The essay provides some arguments both in agreement and disagreement with the given statement, but the response lacks clear development and depth. Ensure to clearly address the prompt and provide a balanced and well-structured argument.
critique
Coherence and cohesion: The logical structure of the essay is somewhat discernible, but the organization is unclear and lacks clear linking of ideas. Work on using cohesive devices to improve the flow of ideas and signposting language to guide the reader through the essay.
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