IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Schools should use films, computers and games instead of books. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#schools #films #computers #games #books
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In recent years, there has been a debate about whether
schools
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 should replace books and notebooks with
films
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,
computers
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,
games
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, and other technological devices. In my opinion, I partly agree with
this
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 statement because collaborating high-tech with books can create a remarkable school. Technology is the demand of the future, with
computers
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, the internet,
films
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 and even
games
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 that
schools
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 need.
Furthermore
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, high-tech makes for a more convenient and faster education
system
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, which is beneficial for schooling.
For example
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, watching documentary
films
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 makes for faster and better-quality learning of history,
games
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 might help create efficient problem-solving decisions and even
computers
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 that provide presentations. Those are some crucial reasons why
schools
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 should provide pupils with
computers
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,
games
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 and
another item
Fix the agreement mistake
other items
show examples
 for a good study
system
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.
On the other hand
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,
schools
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 should not deviate from the traditional education
system
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. Utilizing
computers
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 and other technologies all day might be a reason to develop some diseases that may be dangerous for children.
For example
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, ultraviolet rays produced and emitted from computer screens might cause some illnesses, like vision loss or headaches. These are some of the main reasons not to delay the traditional education
system
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, especially with books. In conclusion, I believe that
while
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films
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,
computers
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, and educational
games
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 can provide valuable opportunities for students, we must be prudent in their implementation. A hybrid approach that incorporates both technology and traditional resources will promote higher academic results
while
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 safeguarding students' well-being. Monitoring technology use and encouraging balanced learning practices will be vital in preparing students for future challenges.
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task achievement
Provide more detailed examples and data to strengthen your arguments. Instead of general statements, use specific instances or studies that support your points.
coherence cohesion
Ensure a smoother transition between ideas in your paragraphs to enhance readability. Though your ideas flow well overall, including more transitional phrases can help readers follow your arguments seamlessly.
structure
Your essay has a well-defined introduction and conclusion, which effectively frame your arguments.
task achievement
You present a balanced view by acknowledging both sides of the argument, which adds depth to your essay.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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