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Band 5.5

In some countries, it is believed that teenagers should be encouraged to do part-time jobs. Some people say it is a good practice. Others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#countries #teenagers #jobs #people #practice
The involvement of the young in a part-time job has long been under debate among people of concern. Proponents argue that adults should motivate them
while
 others do not. In my opinion, I agree with the former. On the one hand, working at an early age likely worsens students’ academic performance.
Instead
 of going to the school library or doing their own homework, these young workers spare their time to work as a nanny or a waiter
for instance
. To put it another word, they would, in a way, ignore their study, leading to bad academic grades and records. Another worrying problem is an increase in inappropriate behaviours among teenagers. These young people are vulnerable to unhealthy habits
such
 as smoking, slanging and tricks which might be learned quickly in the working environment which is intrinsically for adults.
On the other hand
, it seems to me that involvement in part-time jobs brings more benefits to the young including hands-on practices and high respect for money than negative impacts. Living in
this
 economy-based society with a competitive labour force, those who have real experience in working and not least
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 skills are apparent to be in a more advantageous position than those who do not. Equally important is to educate younger people on how harsh life is and
then
 how to respect each penny. It is an unfortunate fact that juvenile students rarely appreciate material things given by their parents. They probably hold the view that it is an obvious responsibility that adults should take.
As a result
, it is believed that teenagers will not value money until it is for them to make money themselves. In conclusion, I am convinced that teenagers should be motivated to work part-time, which is plenty of use for them.
This
 activity should definitely be put under parental monitoring and observation to
make sure
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 the minimum risk.
Submitted by dothiha93 on

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coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, but they could be more clearly structured and developed. The main points are supported, but the argument could be more coherent and cohesive with better use of linking words.
task achievement
The response is somewhat complete, but it could be more fully developed and more clearly focused on the task. The ideas are somewhat clear and relevant, but there is room for improvement in providing a more comprehensive and focused response.
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