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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries people have to go away from their family and friends to find the work. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

#countries #people #friends #work
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Nowadays,
Jobs
Change the noun form
Job
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 opportunities will decline in some nations and individuals will go away from their family and friends to search a high-paid
work
Use synonyms
. There are a few advantages and disadvantages as well I will discuss in the upcoming paragraphs.
To begin
Linking Words
 ,with the advantages, In
this
Linking Words
 modern world technology is advancing day by day and poor regions will not develop and their new youths will prefer to go to
work
Use synonyms
 outside of their country.
In other words
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, These days jobs will require high qualifications
instead
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 of job experience for their employees because they need to grow their company value and they hire new workers from other countries
such
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 as Africa.
For example
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,
In south
Correct your spelling
in South
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Africa
Add a comma
Africa,
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 news channels reveal headlines their citizens have a lot of jobs offered by other worlds and they will go to their tasks and they will forget their families and it has an effect on their nation and community.
Thus
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, It is important to
work
Use synonyms
 for everyone but it doesn't mean they will ignore their past supporters
such
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 as guardians. To commence with the disadvantages, It affects their region's economy because their younger workers think they will not
responsible
Add a missing verb
be responsible
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 for their development and it will affect their nations. To explain, Their own regional company will not
support
Wrong verb form
be supported
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 by their society
due to
Linking Words
 they will
be
Rephrase
not be
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 interested
to
Change preposition
in working
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work
Use synonyms
 abroad and they will not have any feelings for their home country and it huge impact on their state's recession.
For instance
Linking Words
, In the UK authority will declare that their new individual will not be permitted to
work
Use synonyms
 far away from their family and they will introduce new rules
such
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 as Families every person will follow
this
Linking Words
 law it is good for their nation and society.
Hence
Linking Words
, It is good to
work
Use synonyms
 for their home country because they will increase their region's growth. In conclusion,
Although
Linking Words
 it is an essential part of life to connect with family and friends
and
Correct word choice
apply
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it is good to
work
Use synonyms
 on their own.
Moreover
Linking Words
, it is not good to complete tasks outside of nations because it will affect family emotions.
Submitted by razab5469 on

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task achievement
Ensure that you fully address all parts of the task. The introduction should set the tone for the essay, and the conclusion should summarize the main points discussed, drawing a clear and logical end to the discussion.
task achievement
Expand on your main points with clearer and more specific examples. This will make your argument stronger and more convincing.
coherence and cohesion
Work on the logical flow of your essay. The transition between ideas should be smooth and natural, and paragraphs should connect well to each other.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph discusses one main idea and that this main idea is clearly introduced and separated from other points. This will make your essay more coherent.
coherence and cohesion
Proofread your essay to correct grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. This will improve the readability and professionalism of your writing.
coherence and cohesion
Include more linking words and phrases to help guide the reader through your arguments and the structure of your essay.
coherence and cohesion
The essay offers a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
The writer discusses both advantages and disadvantages of the topic, showing an understanding of the task requirements.
task achievement
There is a genuine effort to support points with examples, which helps to illustrate the arguments being made.
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