IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some people believe it is essential to include physical education classes in the curriculum for all school-age children. Others think that children's time is better spent on more academic subjects. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #education #classes #curriculum #children #time #subjects
Nowadays there are discussions about whether physical
education
classes
 should be included for all school-age
children
 or not. Obesity in our world is becoming a serious problem
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because in the
last
 twenty years obesity rates have increased by a generous 10 %, which signalizes that
this
 is a huge problem. There are a lot of different opinions regarding
this
 suggestion and I am going to present my views and compare the pros and cons. In my opinion, the number one thing people should do is more physical activity and I think the governments should do everything they can to increase physical activity, including physical
education
classes
 for all school-age
children
.
Also
Add a comma
,Also
show examples
 it is medically proven that physical activity improves cognitive performance and brain health, so kids who are just out of physical
education
classes
 are more focused and can absorb the information easier and actually remember it.
On the other
hand
Add a comma
,hand
show examples
 there are a couple of cons
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 having physical
education
classes
. One of them is that if the kid is obese, his classmates might start to bully him
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 when they see that he is having a hard time in these
classes
. Another disadvantage is that
children
 can get hurt in those
classes
 and
this
 would be a problem not only for
children
's families
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 for the school. To sum it all up, the advantages are much more significant than
disadvantages
Correct article usage
the disadvantages
show examples
 and in my
eyes
Add a comma
,eyes
show examples
 it is crucial for all school-age
children
 to have physical
education
classes
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because they are the future and they can decrease the obesity rates in our world.
Submitted by oimigle on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: