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Band 6.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case ? Do you think is a positive or negative development?

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In the current era and with the evolution of technology and the internet, the youth are spending most of their daily time on their smartphones.
This
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 phenomenon is
due to
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 multiple reasons that will be elaborated on in
this
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 essay,
as well as
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 why I personally claim that
this
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 development has a negative impact on children.
To begin
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 with, there are multiple factors that drive children to spend hours on technology. One of them would be the entertainment found on social media, which makes them addicted to scrolling through the internet. To illustrate, a recent study I have read
lately
Rephrase
apply
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proves that social media platforms are designed to increase people's consumption of the content posted online, which explains why most kids cannot get off their phones.
Moreover
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, parents offer smartphones to their kids from an early age to occupy their free time
instead
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 of motivating them to go outside.
Thus
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, all these reasons contribute to
this
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 current phenomenon. So why do I claim that
this
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 development has a negative impact ?
Firstly
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,
this
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 development leads to addiction in most cases because children are exposed to these technological devices from an early age.
Secondly
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, kids who spend their days on their phones are often impacted negatively regarding their studies and academic achievements, making them lazier and less motivated to study and focus.
For example
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, a smartphone was given to my sister when she was 10 years old, which made her addicted and
therefore
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, her school grades dropped significantly.
Consequently
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, technology should be used prudently. To summarize, most factors leading to
this
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 serious phenomenon are provoked by adults who are
unconscious
Correct word choice
unaware
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 of the damage it might have on the youth, and I personally envision that social media should be restricted before the age of 18 years old to limit its drawbacks.

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task response
Ensure that your response clearly addresses all parts of the task. Your arguments should be fully developed and relevant to the topic. Additionally, pay attention to the specific prompt in order to provide a complete and accurate response.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay exhibits a clear and appropriate organization with a good introduction and conclusion. However, ensure that there is a greater coherence and precision in your ideas. Work on linking your ideas and paragraphs more effectively.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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