Today many children spend a lot of time playing computer games and little time on sports. Why is this? Is it a positive or negative development?

#children #time #computer #games #sports #development

Advancement in technology has made people lazy. The gaming industry is one of the

Add a hyphen

fast-growing

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fast growing

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fast-growing

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industries and

they

Correct pronoun usage

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targets

Change the verb form

target

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kids

more as they

spends

Change the verb form

spend

show examples

majority

Add an article

the majority

a majority

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of their

time

paying

Correct your spelling

playing

show examples

video

games

This

will result in

less

Correct quantifier usage

fewer

show examples

physical

activities

Fix the agreement mistake

activity

show examples

This

essay discusses the advantages and disadvantages of computer

games

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for

show examples

kids

. On one hand,

parents

who favour

video

games

consider

this

as an effective tool for the

kids

to spend

time

. According to them,

kids

will enjoy their

time

inside the room rather than going outside for physical activities and

then

getting injured. It is generally seen that if both

parents

are working,

then

they favour

kids

playing

video

games

kids

will manage themself inside the room. Some

parents

also

argue that

video

games

help

kids

to get familiar with

computer

Fix the agreement mistake

computers

show examples

On the other hand

parents

are not realising that their

kids

are becoming couch potatoes by spending most of their

time

in front of the computer.

For instance

, studies have proven that 80% of

kids

who have health issues

such

as obesity and vitamin deficiency are addicted to

video

games

and they prefer to sit inside the room rather going outside and mingle with friends.

Furthermore

, there

Correct the article-noun agreement

apply

show examples

many blood-shedding

video

games

are available in the market

such

as PUBG which trigger

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

criminal behaviour in

kids

. Many incidents

has

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have

show examples

reported that

kids

have conducted

crime

Fix the agreement mistake

crimes

show examples

based on the encouragement from

such

video

games

. To summarise, it is a wrong trend that

parents

encourage

Fix the infinitive

to encourage

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kids

to play

video

games

rather than sending them to fields and playgrounds.

This

trend will adversely affect the health of

Correct the article-noun agreement

apply

show examples

future generations. I suggest a balanced way of

video

game

Fix the agreement mistake

games

show examples

along with physical activities and

parents

need to put effort to make sure

this

Change preposition

of this

show examples

Submitted by bilujohn on Mon Oct 24 2022

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Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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7Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
5Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
19Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

292 words

5.00

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

7.5

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Today many children spend a lot of time playing computer games and little time on sports. Why is this? Is it a positive or negative development?

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

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Overpopulation in many major urban centres around the world is a major problem. What are the causes of this? How can this problem be solved?

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