IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

advanced technology has brought many beneficial changes to the world. However, some old people today struggle with the use of technologies such as mobile phones and the Internet. How can the elderly benefit from using advanced technologies? How can the elderly be encouraged to use consumer electronics more often?

#technology #changes #world #people #struggle #technologies #phones #internet #benefit #consumer #electronics
It is obvious that in recent years, many advances have been made in the field of
technology
 and electronic devices are at the top of the list. the amount of benefit from these advances may vary based on the age and abilities of people. In
this
essay
Add a comma
,essay
show examples
 both elderly benefit from using advanced
technology
 and some ways to encourage them will be discussed. New
technology
 means the realization of all the dreams that were only
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
sweet fantasies before
this
 time. The future will change with new technologies so each of us should accompany these improvements. One of these advancements is mobile phones. Calling and shopping are the basic functions of these devices and the expansion of the Internet network has greatly increased their efficiency. Each person uses smartphones based on his/her abilities and needs
therefore
, the elderly uses less than younger people. In my opinion, if younger people teach them the benefits and how to
use
Correct pronoun usage
themuse
show examples
 ,the older ones will be interested.
As
Change preposition
For
show examples
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
instance, During the recent Covid-19 pandemic many older individuals learned how to place orders for food and other necessities online and many now continue to use these applications to shop for the best prices and remain at home.
Moreover
, smartphones
in particular
 today are essential for remaining in contact with one’s family, indeed they can have video calls with their children and grandchildren. According to a study and survey, the elderly said that smartphone has made them see their children less and they consider
this
 device is the cause of decreasing family communication. To sum up, advanced
technology
 particularly
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
 has brought many beneficial changes to human life. The elderly should be taught
first
 and if they understand the benefits, they will use
this
technology
.
Submitted by satro78 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: