Some people think that personal happiness is directly related to economic success. Others argue that happiness depends on different factors.Discuss both views and gove your opinion
These days, social inequality has been a major concern in many developing countries. Some people reckon that happiness is always in harmony with enormous wealth,
while
others argue that there are other various factors that are attributed to joyfulness. This
essay will compare both viewpoints before my perspective is reached.
On the one hand, it is apparent that money can afford a happy life because it can buy a big house, a luxury car, delicious meals, and many more to facilitate their daily life. For example
, by having a private car, they do not have to wake up early and commute to an office by public transport, which is usually crowded, and living in a big house provides individuals with a private zone, while
poor people need to stay in the crowded flat. Furthermore
, greater finance can offer better education and healthcare. To illustrate, a rich family can send their pupils to study in prestigious schools and universities or even abroad, whereas
, a poor family cannot even support their kids to graduate even high school. Therefore
, without money, they find the difficulty
to achieve happiness.
Replace the word
difficult
On the other hand
, sometimes, financial success is not the only necessary factor to obtaining joyfulness. There are numerous factors that can also
lead people to be happy including having a family and being healthy. First of all, spending quality time with family members is one of the happiest activities for many individuals, and everyone can experience it without being wealthy. According to
published research from BBC news
, Thai citizens prefer to work near their homes with Capitalize word
News
less
wages rather than work in remote areas with higher salaries because they need more time to spend with their sons and daughters. Correct word choice
lower
In addition
, being healthy is considered the pursuit of happiness. Although
someone can generate a lot of money, it will be useless, if they suffer from illnesses and have a short life. For instance
, Steve Jobs, the Apple founder and the third richest person on earth, said all his expenditures became useless when he was diagnosed to have
the lung cancer. Verb problem
apply
Thus
, cash cannot buy everything.
In conclusion, it is debatable whether a budget is significant for being joyful or not. In my opinion, good finance is absolutely important for living in today's world as it provides a better opportunity to get higher education and better healthcare. Without it, it will be difficult to live in today's world.Submitted by pantamitsaekong on
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Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-presented, and there is a clear development of ideas. However, some points lack clarity and coherence, making the flow a bit challenging to follow.
Task Achievement
The response addresses the task and presents both views effectively. However, some ideas lack depth and development. Developing more specific examples and providing a more balanced argument would improve the score.
Word Count
IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.
A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.
Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.