IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Despite huge improvements in healthcare, the overall standard of physical health in many developed countries is now falling. What could be the reason for this trend, and what can be done to reverse it?

It is claimed that the rate of physical health in wealthy countries is decreasing;
however
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, they experience high-quality healthcare.
This
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 essay will discuss the reasons and the solution towards
this
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 trend. The main reason for the unpleasant standard of physical health is the
fast pace of
Use the right word
fast-paced
show examples
 lifestyle in developed countries,
although
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 the quality of healthcare is high. In the modern world, most
people
Use synonyms
 are experiencing busy lifestyles, so they prefer to eat pre-prepared
foods
Use synonyms
 like fast
Use synonyms
foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
show examples
. Obviously, the ingredients of these
foods
Use synonyms
 include
Correct article usage
a
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high level of salt and saturated fat
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 leads to obesity.
In addition
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,
people
Use synonyms
 most of the time are working
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 they are
acclimatized
Use the right word
acclimatised
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 to the machinery lifestyle.
For example
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, most citizens use their own car to arrive at their workplace, they use elevators to reach their offices
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 they just
seat
Verb problem
sit
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 on chairs and work.
This
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 type of work
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besides
Punctuation problem
, besides
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 consuming unhealthy
Use synonyms
food
Punctuation problem
food,
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 is harmful to the human body.
As a result
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, the quality of physical health falls. There is a significant solution to
this
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 problem
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 that relies mostly on the government.
Firstly
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, the government
not only can
Correct word order
cannot only
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 increase the tax on unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
 but
also
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 is able to fund healthy
food
Use synonyms
. In
this
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
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way
Punctuation problem
way,
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 the price of junk
foods
Use synonyms
 will increase
in contrast
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 to healthy
food
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
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,
people
Use synonyms
 prefer to have
more healthy
Correct word choice
healthier
show examples
food
Use synonyms
 rather than fast
food
Use synonyms
.
Secondly
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, the government should provide
low price
Use the right word
low-priced
show examples
 gyms for their employees. So, the workforce is encouraged to participate in the gym to have physical exercise as a hobby at a lower price. In summary, the new lifestyle of
people
Use synonyms
 living in developed countries makes them
have not
Correct word order
not have
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 a high standard of a healthy body
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
this
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 issue can be addressed by the government’s decision.

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structure
Plan your essay. Use clear parts: introduction, body on causes, body on solutions, and a short conclusion.
content
Make your ideas easy to see. State the reason, then show what to do about it. Use simple examples.
language
Be careful with word use. Keep to words we know well. Try to fix odd phrases like 'acclimated to the machinery lifestyle'.
grammar
Check grammar and spelling. Small mistakes can stop the flow of your writing.
content
The essay shows the topic and you say you will discuss it.
readability
The writing uses mostly common words and is easy to read.
content
You give a real, simple example (cars, lift, desk work) to show life in a city.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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