IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

many manufactured food and drink products ontain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people o consume less sugar. Do you agree or desagree?

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Many industrialized
products
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 are known to have a high content of
sugar
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, leading to different
health
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 disorders. Some believe that if the price of these
products
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 increases, it would encourage individuals to consume less
sugar
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. In my opinion, making food with high
sugar
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 content more expensive would not be enough to decrease consumption. Other measures like providing more information on the effects on our
health
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 should
also
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 be done to achieve
such
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 behavioural changes. Increasing the price of
products
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 with high levels of
sugar
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 could be a starting point for a more elaborate prevention plan towards a healthier society, albeit not powerful enough by itself. Sugary foods are very addictive, and many consumers eat these for desire or preference, not because these are cheaper
products
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. Sometimes, even
due to
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 a lack of information about possible consequences to a person’s
health
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.
Therefore
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, increasing the price alone most likely would not change much. People would probably continue to consume these
products
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.
On the other hand
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, if
this
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 measure were to be set in place with other initiatives
such
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 as educational ads in supermarkets and in schools, results could be more appealing. Having a
health
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 advocator in supermarkets providing courses or quick lectures about which
products
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 could be better for our
health
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 could help those
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 consume
sugar
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-rich foods out of adequate knowledge of its
health
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 consequences. Doing the same at schools could empower children and they could easily bring that knowledge home.
Consequently
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, when prices go up, it would have more impacting results. In summary, high levels of
sugar
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 are found in many industrialized goods and can generate many undesirable
health
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 consequences. Increasing the prices to control consumption would probably not be very effective by itself.
However
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, if education about general
health
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 impact were associated, better results are expected.

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task achievement
While you present a clear opinion, consider strengthening your arguments with more specific examples or data to enhance your points about the effects of sugar on health.
coherence and cohesion
Improve transitions between paragraphs to enhance the flow of ideas. For example, explicitly connect the first paragraph's concern about addiction with the potential educational measures in the second paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction is solid and presents a clear thesis. Ensure your conclusion succinctly reinforces the key points you've made throughout your essay for a stronger closure.
task achievement
Your essay presents a clear opinion and addresses the prompt effectively, showing an understanding of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
You have structured your essay into clear paragraphs, each representing a distinct idea, which aids understanding.
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