IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

some people say the main way to be happy in life is to have a lot of money. how might having a lot of money make people happy? what other things in life can make people happy?

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Throughout history, having plenty of
money
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 has been considered a crucial factor
to have
Change preposition
in having
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 a joyful
life
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. The majority of members of the public argue that only
money
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 is able to play a key role in happiness
while
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 others claim that
others
Correct quantifier usage
other
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 issues are essential too. I myself claim that health and calmness are fully important too.
To begin
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 with, why do many citizens believe that wealth plays a significant part in our satisfaction
.
Change the punctuation
?
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First,
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because
money
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 brings power and if anyone has it he can easily influence other people and by
making
Verb problem
having
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 an effect on them he will feel great.
For instance
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, the politics of various countries have longer
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life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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 seeing that they have happier lifestyles
due to
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 their richness which leads to better
life
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 quality and more welfare.
Therefore
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, having loads of capital causes us to be far more pleasant in terms of our diet, medical care, education, family status and things like that.
On the other hand
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, other inhabitants say that other things including having a healthy body, peaceful
life
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 and advantageous relationship with other members of our family
as well as
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 having an adequate amount of
money
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 together are necessary. Since these items altogether contribute to having a marvellous time during our
life
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. To illustrate
this
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 point, if you had plenty of
money
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 without any close and honest friends you would become depressed undoubtedly.
As a result
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,
money
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 is only one contributor to our pleasing feeling
although
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 it is entirely urgent. In conclusion, there are lots of factors which should be considered in having an absorbing time
while
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 living in the world but as a property nowadays, has become a bolder part of anyone's
life
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 some residents have omitted other influencers which I have recently supposed they are a supplement of wealth and I used to believe in the same way of others.

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coherence cohesion
It's essential to proofread your essay to identify and correct errors, such as awkward phrasing and missing articles, which can affect readability. For example, "as a property nowadays, has become a bolder part of anyone's life some residents have omitted other influencers" could be rephrased for better clarity.
coherence cohesion
While your essay covers the main points, it would benefit from a clearer introduction of the opposing view in the second paragraph. This could help in making the argument more coherent.
task achievement
Ensure that all ideas are well-supported with specific examples or explanations. For instance, the point about politicians having longer lives due to their wealth could be backed up with more specific data or studies to strengthen the argument.
task achievement
You've successfully identified and discussed both sides of the argument, providing a balanced view on the topic.
coherence cohesion
Your essay's structure, including a clear introduction and conclusion, contributes to its overall coherence.
task achievement
The main points of your essay are clearly presented, making it easy for readers to follow your argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Financial security
  • Basic needs
  • Comfort
  • Luxury
  • Freedom
  • Altruistic
  • Philanthropy
  • Nurturing relationships
  • Fulfillment
  • Sense of accomplishment
  • Physical well-being
  • Spiritual beliefs
  • Community involvement
  • Gratitude
  • Mindfulness
  • Simple pleasures
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