IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In some countries old people who retire from work spend the money on themselves (e.g. holiday) rather than save money for their children. Is this a positive or negative development?

For the past few years, it has been observed that elderly people are focusing more on themselves than their
children
Use synonyms
 when it comes to retirement finances.
Instead
Linking Words
 of accumulating wealth for the
next
Linking Words
 generation, they spend their pension on fulfilling their own wishes like travelling and taking up a hobby. I believe it to be a positive trend as it is beneficial to both retired
parents
Use synonyms
 and their
children
Use synonyms
. On the retired
parents
Use synonyms
’ side, it shows the increased awareness of the senior citizens’ valuing their own well-being. More often than not,
parents
Use synonyms
 are apt to prioritize their beloved
children
Use synonyms
’s needs, which requires unconditional compromise and sacrifice. They stick to the view that they are obliged to pinch and scrape in retirement to ensure there is something left behind for their
children
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, that attitude certainly affects their quality of life.
In contrast
Linking Words
, investing themselves is a much better way of life for retirees because they are able to pursue whatever they want without external restrictions. By taking up a hobby, their lives are enriched and the emptiness and the anxiety of retirement can be greatly relieved; by travelling around the world, they embrace the beauty of nature, feel more relaxed and obtain a better state of mind. Their
children
Use synonyms
,
on the other hand
Linking Words
, are allowed an opportunity to live independently to strive for their own happiness.
Although
Linking Words
 the lack of financial support from
parents
Use synonyms
 can add to the burden on the child，excessive financial support from the family does no good to individuals as they may rely too much on their
parents
Use synonyms
,
thus
Linking Words
 lacking the ability to struggle for self-improvement. Realizing that they are the ones responsible for themselves, superior qualities like resilience and perseverance can be cultivated in the process of confronting difficulties and overcoming obstacles with their own efforts. Overall, the shift from saving money for
children
Use synonyms
 to spending on retirees themselves is an advance in the elderly’s mindset and a chance for the young’s display their ability.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: