IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #people
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays, many processed foods and drinks are rich in
sugar
Use synonyms
, leading to dire consequences for our health. Some
people
Use synonyms
 take the view that in order to reduce
sugar
Use synonyms
 consumption, sugary
products
Use synonyms
 should be more expensive than they used to be. I completely disagree with
this
Linking Words
 idea and
this
Linking Words
 essay explains my reasons. One reason why I think it is not a good idea to
increase
Use synonyms
 the
prices
Use synonyms
 of
food
Use synonyms
 containing
sugar
Use synonyms
 is that
sugar
Use synonyms
 has its own advantages for our body like other nutrients. In fact, our body requires a certain level of
sugar
Use synonyms
 every day to
increase
Use synonyms
 our energy in order to do our daily routine, implementing a tax on these types of
food
Use synonyms
 or other measures to
increase
Use synonyms
 their
prices
Use synonyms
 cause
people
Use synonyms
 not to satisfy their body needs for
sugar
Use synonyms
, especially poor
people
Use synonyms
, leading to severe headache and lack of energy for doing their daily task.
Additionally
Linking Words
, increasing the
prices
Use synonyms
 of sugary
products
Use synonyms
 can
increase
Use synonyms
 the risk of going bankrupt in the
food
Use synonyms
 industry. As a substantial portion of their profits comes from sugary
products
Use synonyms
. if they cannot offer affordable
products
Use synonyms
, they won't gain the market share and customers will take their business
elsewhere
Linking Words
, resulting in economic challenges for those related to the
food
Use synonyms
 industry in the country.
Although
Linking Words
 some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that increasing the
prices
Use synonyms
 of sugary
food
Use synonyms
 can impose a financial burden, forcing them not to purchase these foods,
this
Linking Words
 may be true for the lowest-income group,
while
Linking Words
 middle and high-income individuals continue to purchase them. In conclusion, I believe that increasing the
prices
Use synonyms
 of sugary
food
Use synonyms
 not only poses economic challenges for a country but
also
Linking Words
 contributes to decreased energy levels among its citizens. rather than solely relying on taking, raising awareness about health is more effective.
Submitted by TUTOO on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
While your essay maintains a clear and logical structure, there is room for improvement in coherence and cohesion. Try to use more transitional phrases and linking words to make your points flow more smoothly from one to the other.
task achievement
You have made a good attempt to fully address the task, and your ideas are clear and mostly comprehensive. However, the essay could benefit from more specific examples to strengthen your arguments. For instance, you could include statistics or studies related to the impact of high sugar consumption or the economic consequences of increased prices.
task achievement
Your essay would benefit from a little more nuance. While you have stated your opinion clearly, it would be useful to address counterarguments in more depth. This can help make your argument stronger and more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which are important elements of a well-structured essay.
task achievement
Your main points are well-supported and relevant to the topic, indicating a good understanding of the issue.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
What to do next:
Look at other essays: