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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that dangerous sport should be banned while others believe that people should be free to choose.Discuss both views and give your opinion

A segment of individuals
argues
Correct subject-verb agreement
argue
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 that
sports
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 which can cause injuries to
people
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 ought to be prohibited.
However
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,others think that they want.I firmly believe that everyone has the privilege to be engaged in
sports
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that
Correct word choice
apply
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even if they are hazardous. On the one hand,it is obvious that a vast number of plays are not involved in the Olympic
Games
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 because of being dangerous for human health
such
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 as MMA,Karate and so on.
However
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,they have a huge reputation among human beings.Competitions like UFC and MMA are gaining popularity year by year all over the world.
This
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 is simply because fans are more likely to watch fights that contain blood and Nokaut.They take pleasure in them.
This
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 influences society negatively because they tend to be aggressive.
Consequently
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,
this
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 would increase the crime rate throughout the world.
Therefore
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,authorities should take steps in order to prevent perilous
sports
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.To justify my opinion,some athletes who were engaging in dangerous activities died or got injuries during the competition or training because of having lack of safety regulations.
That is
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 why banning hazardous
games
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 in conjunction with preventing deaths and traumas,would decrease the crime rate.
On the other hand
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,it is almost impossible to apply restrictions in order to
avoid
Verb problem
prevent
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people
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 to not
play
Wrong verb form
playing
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games
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 that
have
Verb problem
are
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 a menace to their health but there is only one way to increase awareness of individuals about the harms of physical activities.
Additionally
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,despite being hazardous
people
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 who are more inclined to be engaged with
games
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 are much more beneficial rather than being addicted to bad addictions.
Therefore
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,it would be better to not interfere person's choice.It can change his or her life radically.One explanation for
this
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,some
youngers
Correct your spelling
youngsters
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 started to use alcohol and narcotics after being forced to break perilous
games
Use synonyms
 its results may be inevitable to oblige someone not to do anything.
Hence
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,it is necessary to respect everyone's options.
To conclude
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,
although
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 a vast number of
people
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 believe that perilous
sports
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 should be forbidden owing to the danger to human organisms.It is
also
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 necessary that everyone ought to be free to opt for
sports
Use synonyms
 activities.

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Task Achievement
Work on providing a clearer position and opinion on the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
Improve the logical structure of the essay by organizing your ideas more effectively.
Lexical Resource
Expand your range of vocabulary and use more precise and varied language.
Grammatical Range
Work on sentence structure, grammar, and punctuation to improve clarity and coherence.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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