IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8.5

Some people think that men and women have different qualities. Therefore, some certain jobs are suitable for men and some jobs are suitable for women. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
In the workforce, some employers assess whether an individual is suitable for a position based on their gender. Personally, I completely disagree with
this
Linking Words
 perspective.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, some argue that certain jobs,
such
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 as manual labour, are better suited for men than for women.
However
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, I contend that using
such
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 criteria as the basis for hiring is fundamentally flawed.
For example
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, some women possess greater physical strength than their male counterparts; female athletes, particularly in events like the Olympics, often outperform the average man and are fully capable of handling physically demanding tasks.
Moreover
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, it's often assumed that meticulous and patient work is not ideal for men. Yet, Tom Daley, a professional diver, is famous for his exceptional knitting skills. He has even established his own successful knitting company.
Thus
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, basing recruitment decisions on sex is irrational.
Body paragraph 2
Furthermore
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, from the perspective of a country’s development, discrimination in the job market based on biological differences can hinder innovation. Innovation thrives on the exchange of diverse ideas. If companies limit their perspectives to those of a single group, they may struggle to generate new ideas and develop innovative products or services, ultimately slowing down technological and social progress.
Conversely
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, a more inclusive work environment allows staff to collaborate with colleagues from various backgrounds, which fosters creativity.
For instance
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, many leading corporations,
such
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 as Google, employ both men and women in their teams, contributing to their
overall
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 success.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I believe that the primary criterion for determining whether someone is fit for a position should be their abilities, not their sex or gender.
This
Linking Words
 approach benefits individuals, businesses, and society as a whole.

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence, consider using more varied transition words and phrases to link ideas smoothly between and within paragraphs.
task achievement
Maintain the use of relevant examples throughout the essay to substantiate your points. This approach strengthens your arguments and enhances task achievement.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clearly presented, providing a concise overview and a strong finish.
task achievement
The essay thoroughly addresses the prompt, offering a comprehensive response to the question posed.
coherence cohesion
Logical structure is well-maintained throughout the essay, making it easy for the reader to follow the argument.
task achievement
Use of specific and relevant examples, such as the inclusion of Tom Daley and female athletes, effectively supports the main points.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • gender roles
  • inherent qualities
  • social dynamics
  • merit-based selection
  • advancements in technology
  • levelled the playing field
  • gender stereotypes
  • equal opportunities
  • physical differences
  • workplace
  • evolving
  • traditional view
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