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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

some people say that fashion affects our lives in a negative way. However, others say that it has more positive effects on our lives. discuss both views and give your opinion.

A great number of
people
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 advocate that
fashion
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 has a bad influence on our
lives
Punctuation problem
lives,
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although
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 others think that the effects of
fashion
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 on our lives are positive. I agree with the latter idea since the merits are greater than the demerits regarding
clothes
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.
Firstly
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, in the contemporary era,
fashion
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 is our new way to label
people
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 rather than wearing
clothes
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.
In other words
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, the brands of
clothes
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,
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apply
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 and the prices of bags and shoes show the level of wealth in society.
Moreover
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, if somebody wears cheaper
clothes
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 than others, that person is named poor
whether
Punctuation problem
, whether
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 he is really poor or not.
Thus
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, many
people
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 start to classify
people
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according to
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 their daily looks and the brand they use and those behaviours are thought of as the demerits of
fashion
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.
Nevertheless
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,
fashion
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 is all about how
people
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 express their moods or feelings by just wearing
clothes
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and
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, and
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 it is a helpful subject to share emotions without talking. Many
people
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 wear black if they are sad
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such
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, such
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 as at
funerals
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funerals,
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 to share the common grief
and
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, and
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 wear colourful dresses at a wedding reception in order to share joy.
Therefore
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,
fashion
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 provides an effective chance for society to illustrate emotions easily, which is a positive influence. To summarise, even if some
people
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 believe that
fashion
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 has negative effects on society
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as using
clothes
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 to label
people
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comparing
Change preposition
by comparing
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 their costs, others and I disagree since the merits are more than the demerits.
In addition
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,
clothes
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 are vital tools to express our ideas and characters just by getting dressed daily.

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task response
Task response: The essay has a view and ideas, but it does not show both sides well enough or give strong proof. Add more facts or clear examples for each side and show how they compare.
coherence cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: The plan is clear, but some parts do not flow well. Use more linking words and keep one idea in each paragraph so it is easy to read.
overall
Clear view at the end.
content
Good examples about funerals and weddings.
structure
Uses linking words like Firstly, Moreover, Nevertheless to help flow.
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