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Band 6

Some people believe that employers should NOT be concerned about the way their employees dress, but they should be concerned about the quality of work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #employers #employees #dress #quality #work
These days we see a large number of
employees
 dressed in what their employers want because of the system of the place they
work
 in. So, some people think that
employees
 should be dressed
according to
 what the system says,
while
 others believe that no matter what you
dress
, the most important thing is your
quality
 of
work
.
This
 essay will discuss both sides and will draw my personal conclusion. On the one hand, in
this
 ,world a lot of companies and stores or any other place are concerned about what their
employees
dress
while
 they
work
, ignore what if the
quality
 of
work
 is good or bad.
For example
, waitresses mostly have robes for
work
 and it is necessary to wear them because it is cleaner. So,
that is
 why some think that employers must be concerned about how they're dressed.
On the other hand
, some people believe that it does not matter what you wear, as long as you wear something that fits with the place that you
work
 with, but the most important thing is your hard
work
, many places for
work
 just focus on what
employees
 wear, forgetting about if they doing well with there job or not. For you as a
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
company the most important point in
work
 is the effort of
employees
 to develop their
work
, you do not get any benefits if your
employees
dress
 well and their
quality
 of
work
 is bad. For instance, you can not hire an engineer man and just focus on his clothes and ignore completely the way he works,
,,
Change the punctuation
apply
show examples
basically
Add a comma
basically,
show examples
 it is gonna be a disaster. In conclusion, after a careful analysis of both points of view, I believe that both of
quality
 of
work
 and the way that
employees
dress
 are two important things, you can concerned about your
employees
 what they wear but with a limit, and at the same time focus on their hard
work
.
Submitted by Raseelberry on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph clearly supports your main argument and that your essay follows a clear, logical structure.
coherence cohesion
Strengthen your introduction by clearly stating your position and briefly outlining the points you will discuss in the essay.
coherence cohesion
Review your conclusion to make it more decisive and reflective of your main argument, reinforcing the points you have made.
task achievement
Use more varied and sophisticated vocabulary to enhance your arguments and make the essay more engaging.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples and detailed explanations to support your arguments, ensuring they are directly related to your main points.
task achievement
Review grammar and sentence structure to avoid minor errors, which can help improve clarity and coherence.
task achievement
Your essay addresses both perspectives on the topic, displaying a balanced understanding.
coherence cohesion
Your argument is generally clear, and you have maintained a logical flow throughout the essay.
task achievement
You have provided relevant examples to support your main points, which strengthens your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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